Who Am I?

Sometimes I wonder, who am I? Since being diagnosed with PCOS, I feel less like a woman. For those of you that don't have PCOS, you are probably wondering why. Well, here's my reason - 1) A woman should be able to reproduce naturally. That is our job as a woman, right?. Guess what, I can't. 2) My body is producing more testosterone than an average female which results in excessive amounts of body hair, excess body weight, and decreased fertility. 3) All the other symptoms that go along with PCOS, makes me feel like my husband should not have to put up with "someone" like me. Thank god he reassures me on a daily basis, that no matter what, he'll always love me. (Thanks babe!)

So do you see where I'm coming from?! It must be nice to ovulate normally and get pregnant within the next month. Women take that for granted! 

Guess what?! Thursday was "the time of the month" (AKA my friend's in town). Bummer... Insert sad face here, kind of feeling. I was instructed during our initial meeting with Shady Grove Fertility, to call and make appointment during day 1-3 of cycle to set up blood work and ultrasound. So Thursday I called, and was able to be seen Friday at 8am! Two vials of blood work and an ultrasound later, I was getting closer to more results and a plan. The ultrasound tech, doctor, and Bill were bedside providing comfort as they could tell my stress level was heightened. The tech was looking at the screen and said, "27" - meaning 27 follicles on the left ovary. The doctor said, "Wow!" I started freaking out and asked them, "What does that mean?" "What's normal?" They didn't say much other than "that's higher than normal." The right side has 30 follicles. I was informed that the normal amount of follicles is between 6 and 12. My results, again, reassure that PCOS is my diagnosis. 

Saturday Bill and I went for more blood work. For me they ordered 27 tests. For Bill there were 4. His was only 2 vials. Mine was 13 vials! I was most definitely not expecting that at all! THIRTEEN! Helloooooo, I almost passed out. The lady who drew my blood was so kind and so patient with me. I wish I knew her name so that she could be recognized for a job well done! 

Once we got something to eat and came home, I could not believe how exhausted I was. I guess I should have realized 13 vials of blood and having my period would take a lot out of me. I know when women are pregnant, they get blood work done and have lots of appointments, but what they don't realize is, couples who experience infertility go through a lot and sometimes don't have the joy of ever experiencing child birth or the fresh smell of a baby or the soft, smooth skin of a baby or any of the other joys of being a family of 3. Infertility treatments is taking a gamble. You pray and hope one day God grants you the ability to get pregnant and have a health pregnancy. Until then, I pray that my emotions and frustrations don't get the best of me and bring me down.

To be able to blog and put everything out in the public takes a lot of courage. I want to thank YOU for being sincere and supportive through this journey. What helps me the most is the messages, comments, and even in person support and words of encouragement - most of which are from people I barely know. Again, thank you; I couldn't do it without you!

My fortune cookie from the other day leads me to believe the struggle will soon end...

Boom!

Sorry, I've been behind the eight ball this week! Since starting the blog and being more public about my life, people are reaching out to provide support and discussing their struggle. I cannot thank you all enough for allowing me to be a part of your journey as well as my own. 

As much as infertility effects many people, there are a lot more people that are pregnant. So happy for them, don't get me wrong; however, with being associated with social media, I am seeing and hearing more teenagers becoming pregnant, whereas established couples work hard, are financially stable, and experience the struggle of infertility. Hellooooo, young teenage mom and dad... you can barely take care of yourself, you don't have a job, you don't know who the baby daddy is, you live with your parents, and you don't even know who you are.. why? Because you aren't an adult. I'm sure I will be getting a lot of hate from this blog, but it just doesn't make sense to me, nor does it help my struggle... I also don't understand women who abort their unborn baby. Do you realize you are being selfish? What gives you the right to kill an unborn child? Consider adoption! Catelynn and Tyler from Teen Mom should be your role model, if you are a teen pregnant. They set up an open-adoption, since they were becoming parents at a young age. It has brought them closer together as a couple, and gave life to a beautiful little girl who is thriving with her adoptive parents and siblings. 

Earlier this week while at work, I was looking up a physician's NPI on the internet and BOOM!...

Was the ad necessary!?!? I kind of deflated when I saw this. I feel that wherever I go, the questions of pregnancy follow me. You would think after so many years, I would be over the feeling of being "deflated." Does this stuff happen to anyone else?

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind. I just can't help to think about anything and everything... When you are a child, every little girl dreams of the perfect little family. When you become a teenager and begin to have sex, you try to take all precautions to prevent pregnancy. Did I ever think I would be in the position I am now, when I was younger? Heavens no! So here I am, 26 years old, married for almost 4.5 years, childless... Thank goodness my husband is very supportive and remains positive by reassuring me that one day, we will be blessed with the perfect little family! God bless him! 

I continue to pray and talk to God about "the plan," hoping that he soon blesses me with a healthy pregnancy. I am learning to live without understanding and learning to trust God through this journey. It's hard to come to terms with it, but God has a plan for everyone.

You're probably wondering what the next step in my journey is. Well, I have to wait, like usual, to get my next period. Then I will make a trip to Shady Grove for an ultrasound and bloodwork, and get a prescription for Metformin and Femera; pending the results of the testing. 

As Roman Atwood says, "Stick to a positive lifestyle. I want you to know everyone is struggling and you are not alone. We are all fighting our own battles. Everyone you look at has their own problems and could be 10 times bigger than yours. Don't let anyone bring you down. You are one of a kind. Smile more." I must say, Roman Atwood is my inspiration. Be sure to check out his daily vlogs. My husband and I watch the vlogs daily and live vicariously through Roman's family. 

Love you all.

-Emily