Does my infertility make you uncomfortable?

The emotional struggle of infertility and childlessness is evident in my life - more and more people my age are pregnant because that is normal in your 20s. Seeing the joy and everlasting love they share with their child is amazing to see; however, my heart continues to ache. I feel as if I am watching others live MY dream. I have always dreamed of being a mother. I try not to lose hope, but let's be real, some days I lose it all.

Here's my list of things I normally don't tell ANYONE about my journey with infertility and please, don't be uncomfortable with what I'm about to say:

• I need days alone to just grieve.
• I still want to be included in (stuff).
• I appreciate you telling me your pregnant 1:1.
• I cry a lot, but still smile - just because.
• Your advice isn't helpful. I've heard a MILLION times, "Just don't think about it."
• Don't hide the fact you're pregnant because you're scared how I may react.
• I feel like an outsider sometimes.
• I do not want to hear you complain about your pregnancy.
• I put my feelings aside because I feel guilty.

****************

I took a day off from work today and was able to get a lot done around the house. As a took a break from folding laundry, I turned on the TV and just so happened to catch the Today Show with Hoda Kotb and Kathy Lee Gifford. Today, Hoda returned from "maternity leave." She adopted a beautiful baby girl. Her story and journey are incredible. At one point, I caught myself crying. While talking about whether she should adopt at her age and if the "time is right," she mentioned the feeling of her life not being complete - so she went for it. She knew it was right when she held her baby girl for the first time! "I'll take the bad ones (days) because I would've begged for that kind of a day, if I could just have a child." I feel this feeling oh so frequently. When I hear parents complaining about how terrible their child was that day, or how they can't do this, or can't do that because of their child(ren). Really?! How do you think people who struggle getting pregnant feel when we hear this? I may never get the chance to birth my own child and experience all the joy you have from pregnancy and beyond. Just think about that the next time... 

I continue to follow many couples who have adopted, which gives me hope that maybe one day Bill and I can do the same. What are we waiting for? We still have so many questions and our comfort level isn't where it needs to be, but I have faith, we'll get there! If you've adopted, I'd love to hear your story! This isn't to say, trying to conceive on our own is out of the picture. We still have a few options through the infertility specialist we haven't tried. 

"God's plans will always be greater and more beautiful than all your disappointments."

God bless and much love,

Emily

Birth control starts NOW.

Got my birth control today! What the hay, you ask? Yep, I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist for today to discuss getting back on birth control after 6 years. Yes, I know what you're thinking... You want to get pregnant, but want to start birth control?! After watching an episode of Teen Mom, Maci expresses her struggle with PCOS. She mentioned being on birth control her whole life to manage symptoms of PCOS. Once she either stopped or skipped a dose, her body was still in "birth control mode" by keeping her body and cycle "normal," but not preventing pregnancy. I read up on birth control being used to manage PCOS and it is very common. Since I struggle with A LOT of symptoms, I had no choice, but to make an appointment to get some BC. I'm a little nervous to start the pills, because of the hormones, but at least this time it's a small dose. Let me tell you, it took a lot of convincing for Bill to let me get it. 

Something else new in my life since my last post is becoming a presenter with Younique. I have been using their skin care products and am extremely pleased with the outcome. Because of PCOS, my face was not clear of pimples and very sensitive to any new products I would put on my face. Thankfully, I took the leap to try something new and glad I did! I encourage anyone that struggles with redness, pimples, uneven skin tones, etc., to try out Younique. 

Another update, just because I feel like you all have missed so much from the last blog, Bill and I have made more time for each other. With putting aside the frustrations and let downs from infertility treatments, we have been able to focus on each other. Love is important in any relationship, and it's easy for the outside world to become a distraction. We've done pretty much everything TOGETHER, like grocery shopping, projects around the house, errands, and household chores. When we were going through treatments, EVERYTHING felt like a chore, including sex. Now, I'm happy to say NOTHING is a chore. We enjoy the time spent together and gracious for what we have, and excited for what the future holds; whether we're blessed with a baby or not, we will accept anything the good Lord has planned for us. I know it's easier said than done, but we'll get through it together. 

It's been extremely difficult lately with seeing how happy couples are announcing their pregnancy and the frequent pregnancy updates on social media. I'm happy for these couples, but it's a daily struggle for me... I feel like I should apologize in advance for my fake smile and excitement. No really, I am happy for you... I guess this is a good time to let you know I am thankful for my sister for giving me two beautiful nieces for me to love unconditionally, and to our close friends who allow Bill and I to be a part of their children's lives - we do really appreciate you! We hope that one day, you all will be able to be a part of our children's lives! 

Words of wisdom I tell myself everyday: You are amazing. You are one of a kind. You are beautiful. Today is the day to make a difference in someone's life! 


Love always - xoxo
Emily

Pregnancy Test Time.

All I can think of is that I’m late. My period is late. How late you ask? LATE, like weeks late. My periods have been normal lately and now this. I think I’m pregnant. Am I pregnant? Nah, just a floozy. For days, I continue each day as normal, not putting much thought into the fact that I’m late this month. I sat on my bed and thought, “Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant? What if I’m really pregnant?” I started envisioning a baby in our home, decorating a nursery, telling our family, just everything about a baby. Why do I do this to myself?! Whyyy??

So this morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test - hopeful that two lines would appear. I wait, and wait and after 5 minutes (according to the instructions), 1 line appears. One. One, lonely line. I am not pregnant. There I sat, on the window seat in my bathroom, while the steam rolled from the shower that I had not even gotten into yet. I couldn’t budge. My heart sank. My thoughts a blur. My body weakened at the thought that I was not pregnant. Why do I do this to myself, you’re probably thinking? Yea, why do I do this to myself? It’s because I still have hope. I’m hopeful that someday I will experience pregnancy and the joy of growing old with my child. I just thought today was the day.

Needless to say, I am not pregnant and maybe one day my cycle will be normal so that I don’t continue to get high hopes of the possibility of being pregnant, when I’m just LATE.

As strong as I may lead on, I am a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. This battle with infertility will not get the best of me. I am a strong person. I do not fight this battle alone. I have the biggest support system who will not let me down. I am so appreciative of the women I have met who also struggle with infertility. It’s amazing to me that 2 years ago I had no clue what PCOS was or anything even related to infertility. And once I was diagnosed, I thought I would be alone, not realizing so many women are fighting the same fight. Although I live each day with the fear of never getting pregnant and never having a family of my own, I fight the fear with faith. I tell myself every single day, “Don’t let your fear be bigger than your faith.” This quote can help anyone. Connect with God. Believe in his word. Trust him and live each day feeling grateful, blessed, and strong. As I know I am grateful, blessed, and strong!

Words of wisdom:

Don’t ever let someone tell you you’re not beautiful. You are amazing and one of a kind. Be positive and stay strong!

God bless,

Emily

Announcement #541

Welcome to my new song and dance. What the..., you're wondering? The new Emily. My old song and dance was mentioned several blogs ago. The hopeless, lost soul wanting answers to all my "why" questions. Let me just tell you - not only has my support system grown, but, again, so has my faith. I have let go of the fact that I suffer from PCOS. There's no changing the diagnosis. There's no more getting upset with God. There's no more wondering WHEN is this life going to get better. I've come to the realization that life is only going to get better if I want to change it. Change is huge! A lot of people stay in the same spot all their life hoping and wishing things are going to change. Let me break the news to you. Change doesn't happen, unless you make it happen. Get off your hooha and do something for yourself. Are you sick of your job? Are you stuck in an abusive relationship? Are you friends with the wrong crowd? Are you battling an addiction? Are you suffering from anxiety or depression? If you answered yes, which I'm sure the majority of you did, let me help you!

Let me break out my social worker skills! (I can hear my husband saying, "Oh great. Here we go...")

Personal Development. The main principal in change is HOPE. People change because they have hope. If you don't have hope, you will not change. Right? It's up to you to make the change in your life. No one's going to do it for you. You have one life to live. Here's your opportunity to change what you have, right now! 

Here's what worked for me!

#1 - Change begins in your mind. Start by thinking about your beliefs. When you make a change, you also make a change in your beliefs. Your beliefs are a collection of thoughts perceived over time. 

#2 - Believing in yourself is key! Once you're able to believe in yourself, you make yourself a priority. No more "second best." Put your feelings first! Write down what your expectations are in life situations. Remember, you are not the "average Joe" anymore. BELIEVE that you can take on anything, and you will learn you can with no more worries and no more questioning whether you can or cannot. No more "can'ts." 

#3 - Have a positive attitude. Once you start believing in yourself, you will realize your outlook in life is more positive. You will also learn to accept others for who they are, and most importantly, you will accept yourself for who you are!

You're probably wondering how I did it. It wasn't easy, by all means. It took a lot of tries, especially dealing with infertility. I put a lot of trust into personal development. Although, failure was knocking on the door, I pushed through the negativity and succeeded. That's why I have faith that anyone can take on these 3 simple steps. Negativity is filling this society. Social media is to blame because there are so many people that can sit behind their computer or cellphone and type nasty insults all over the internet. Give this opportunity a shot. It will be worth it in the end. You will be stronger mentally and emotionally. 

I have hope that anyone reading this can and will succeed through their journey in life by believing!! My goal by writing this blog is to coach you through this change. I have grown tremendously in the past year, all because of personal development and self-care. 

"Believe you can and you're halfway there." - Theodore Roosevelt 

Just remember, you are beautiful. You are one of a kind. 

Love always,

Emily

Is this really happening?

Are you on my side, God? 

I used to question God's ability to answer prayers; however, over the past several weeks, I can see God answering my prayer. No I'm not pregnant. The answer to my prayer is just a small step in the right direction. God answers our prayers when he feels it is the right time. 

The past few weeks have opened my eyes with life. My life is no where near perfect, but I certainly can make it the best. We are our own advocate. We control what's in front of us. With a little help from the man upstairs, WE can push forward - through the obstacles that we are faced. With that being said, here's a glimpse of what I've been going through...

The past three weeks have been what I thought was torture. I have always struggled with anxiety.. more so situational anxiety. As you might recall from the last blog, my fertility doctor stopped my hormone pills due to getting my period. Stopping (synthetic) hormone pills cold turkey can cause hormonal imbalance. Hormone imbalance can cause many different symptoms; one of which is anxiety and depression. Those few weeks of anxiety and depression I thought were never going to end. In turn, it also caused insomnia. I couldn't sleep or eat. I also felt like I wasn't in control. I turned to my mom for advice, as any daughter would. She truly was my lifesaver - thank God! The simple reminders that I was in control of my thoughts, was enough to fight the fears away. Many women and even men struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm putting my story out there because the feeling of being alone is what went through my mind 24/7. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Turn your fears over to god! Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEARS!!

I also, religiously, started essential oils. After a lot of research, I feel confident that essential oils are safe and aid in managing ANY symptoms you may have. Here's a quick guide for what essential oils you should use:

Thanks to beyouthful.net for helping to understand essential oils a little better, we all can have a healthier lifestyle. By the way, I have bought my oils through YoungLiving (Danielle Murrary) and PlantLife. 

Okay, enough of that!

Back to the question, "When is this all going to happen?" Bill and I have put "getting pregnant" on the back burner. No more trips to Shady Grove Fertility planned, no more timing intercourse, no more crazy medication, no more shots, no more focusing on GETTING PREGNANT. Why you might ask!? Because - I'm tired. I'm tired of TRYING so hard. Lousy excuse you say? Well, God has a plan. I shouldn't be messing up this plan. I've accepted that what will be, will be. I'm perfectly content with my life. I love everything about it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I feel I have changed since starting fertility treatments. My mind is more clearer and I believe I am a better person. I feel this is the key to success. 

I remember being that crazy bitch who cocked her head with the racing heart when someone told me they were pregnant. I remember "running away" and crying when someone said they were expecting. I remember getting chocked up when I saw a young couple who barely knew each other, let alone just dating a few months post all over social media that they were pregnant. I remember that same couple post the newborn's picture and then a different dad was the father. I remember having so many questions that started with "Why?" Looking back, I was not connected with God; therefore, I didn't know why this was all happening to Bill and I - a couple with a healthy relationship and financial stability. Well, our relationship wasn't healthy. We were too focused on other things other than US. Today, we both are more connected to each other and God. We know our "why." Our "why" is to love each other unconditionally and be a better person than we were yesterday. You may wonder why we didn't do that before? Well, we thought we were... It took a lot to come to this realization. We opened our eyes to new beginnings, a new chapter that is allowing us to open up about our past and learn from it. 

I cannot wait to see what our future brings. I hope to continue this positivity and embrace others during this time. 

"Use your smile to change the world, don't let the world change your smile." - Roman Atwood

Just remember, you are one of a kind. Put your heart into your dreams!

Love always,

Emily

The End.

I can't even begin to describe my feelings, emotions, or thoughts. This week has truly been overwhelming to say the least. On Wednesday, I made a trip to Shady Grove to see the growth of my follicles. I could tell in the radiology tech's voice that she wasn't seeing much action. She saw one follicle that was 10.6 mm. As mentioned in previous blogs, in order to move forward with fertility treatments, follicles need to be at least 18 mm. I received my results Wednesday evening after the physician reviewed them. The nurse said I'd need to schedule another appointment Friday for bloodwork and ultrasound. I showed up Wednesday with hope the follicle has matured. The doctor did the ultrasound this time. My hands started to get clammy, my heart started racing, and my anxiety started getting the best of me. The pressure that's involved with an internal ultrasound, made me just want to pee my... well I'd say pants, but I didn't have any on, so I guess pee the table I was sitting on. Ugh. So much for feeling modest. The doctor got to the follicle that we saw on Wednesday, and she didn't even need to say anything.. My heart dropped and I just wanted to start crying as I sat there feeling alone. She said, "I'm sorry, but the follicle is still the same size. You'll have to come back on Monday." She cleaned the device, washed her hands, and walked out. There I sat. Alone. I felt so angry. At who? I don't know. I got dressed, paid my copay and walked to my car. I literally sat there for a few minutes, got the courage to call Bill, held in my tears and told him the scoop. I'm so thankful that he is so positive and motivating, as that is the only way I can keep it together some days. I pulled out of the parking lot and somehow managed to drive home, crying my eyes out and talking to God. "Why me?," I kept asking. I have to remind myself, "I will wait on you Lord, as I know you are working on it." As my patience continues to run thin, I am connecting more and more with the Lord. He's not giving up, so why should I?

You're probably now wondering, what's the next step? Me too. I chose not to take another dose of Femara within this cycle, because of my body and mind on overload. With stopping the progesterone hormone, my body's hormones are unbalanced, causing extreme anxiety, fatigue, hot flashes, and other crazy side effects; all of which are normal when stopping hormones. With this being said, my body needs a break. I need a break! Even with recently starting treatments in the past few months, I'm ready to put everything on hold and focus on Bill and my relationship. You just never know, with not focusing on "getting pregnant" every freaking day, my body may just do its own thing! 

Now onto the fun stuff! Did I mention Bill and I planted veggies in the Spring? With this being our first garden, I was hesitant if 1) I was watering enough and 2) Was I over watering? I do not have a green thumb at all.. Sorry Dad! However, we have been successful so far. 5 peppers and 5 cucumbers. I thought I planted a zucchini plant, but apparently I got another cucumber plant. This is so exciting! We're saving money and eating healthy!  

I mentioned in my last blog about going kayaking. We did it! It was so much fun, although I got wet from William splashing me. Bill took his fishing gear and caught a nice sized bass. I took in the scenery! Here's a raw clip - 

Our next adventure is in the works. We each have to decide on 3 places we'd like to go on a day trip - my list is already made.. Just waiting on Willis! I'm so excited!! 

Thanks for tuning in! You are why we are so positive. It's the number of views we get on this blog, private messages, texts, and calls that keep me going. I cannot thank you enough!! 

As always, you are amazing and one of a kind. Keep doing what you're doing! 

Love always,

Emily

#2 Round Short and Sweet

Holy smokes. This round is already off to a bad start. Femera, which I took last month with no side effects, was a whole different story this month. Call me the crazy, psycho woman! I pity my husband for having to deal with me because it was ugly. No worries, my craziness was all symptoms of the drug and I made my nurse aware pronto! I was literally scared shitless. Thank goodness the medicine was out of my system within 1-2 days! I feel like a normal human being now! So, with this all being said… Why do people do drugs? Why are people so addicted to that “crazy, psycho” feeling? Someone please explain??!? None of what I felt, felt like an amazing high. What I felt was not having control of anything. I wanted to literally jump out of my skin and do crazy stuff. I hope to never have to go on to round #3 and go through this again…

Although Bill and I continue with treatments, we are realizing more that “what will be, will be” and we have no control over it. All we can do is pray! (…and cry!) This month, I’m putting getting pregnant on the back burner and trying not to think of it as much as I had been. Because of the worry wart that I am, I’m missing out on the fun times Bill and I could be having. With that being said, we’re going kayaking tomorrow! I can’t wait!! I also have a day trip planned to go hiking at Kilgore Falls in Maryland. We forget how important it is to spend time together. We get so focused on our daily routine and lose track of each other’s love for one another. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Being together 10 years, we get accustomed to a routine without spicing things up. Let me tell you… I’m about ready to spice things up!! Anyone have any good/fun ideas for day trips!?

I’m going to leave you with this quote:

“Just because it’s not happening right now, doesn’t mean it never will.” – unknown

This quote isn’t just about a couple struggling with infertility; it can be for anyone struggling - whether it’s their relationship, work, body image, sexuality, beliefs, etc. In today’s society, people forget that we aren’t alone. Even though we all have different struggles and barriers, we all are fighting! Let’s fight together. Let’s take down those barriers; climb over and don’t let your fears take you down.

Just remember, you are amazing - one of a kind. You are beautiful! Build that backbone and take on life starting NOW!

Love ya'll,
Emily