All I can think of is that I’m late. My period is late. How late you ask? LATE, like weeks late. My periods have been normal lately and now this. I think I’m pregnant. Am I pregnant? Nah, just a floozy. For days, I continue each day as normal, not putting much thought into the fact that I’m late this month. I sat on my bed and thought, “Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant? What if I’m really pregnant?” I started envisioning a baby in our home, decorating a nursery, telling our family, just everything about a baby. Why do I do this to myself?! Whyyy??
So this morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test - hopeful that two lines would appear. I wait, and wait and after 5 minutes (according to the instructions), 1 line appears. One. One, lonely line. I am not pregnant. There I sat, on the window seat in my bathroom, while the steam rolled from the shower that I had not even gotten into yet. I couldn’t budge. My heart sank. My thoughts a blur. My body weakened at the thought that I was not pregnant. Why do I do this to myself, you’re probably thinking? Yea, why do I do this to myself? It’s because I still have hope. I’m hopeful that someday I will experience pregnancy and the joy of growing old with my child. I just thought today was the day.
Needless to say, I am not pregnant and maybe one day my cycle will be normal so that I don’t continue to get high hopes of the possibility of being pregnant, when I’m just LATE.
As strong as I may lead on, I am a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. This battle with infertility will not get the best of me. I am a strong person. I do not fight this battle alone. I have the biggest support system who will not let me down. I am so appreciative of the women I have met who also struggle with infertility. It’s amazing to me that 2 years ago I had no clue what PCOS was or anything even related to infertility. And once I was diagnosed, I thought I would be alone, not realizing so many women are fighting the same fight. Although I live each day with the fear of never getting pregnant and never having a family of my own, I fight the fear with faith. I tell myself every single day, “Don’t let your fear be bigger than your faith.” This quote can help anyone. Connect with God. Believe in his word. Trust him and live each day feeling grateful, blessed, and strong. As I know I am grateful, blessed, and strong!
Words of wisdom:
Don’t ever let someone tell you you’re not beautiful. You are amazing and one of a kind. Be positive and stay strong!
God bless,
Emily
