Is this really happening?

Are you on my side, God? 

I used to question God's ability to answer prayers; however, over the past several weeks, I can see God answering my prayer. No I'm not pregnant. The answer to my prayer is just a small step in the right direction. God answers our prayers when he feels it is the right time. 

The past few weeks have opened my eyes with life. My life is no where near perfect, but I certainly can make it the best. We are our own advocate. We control what's in front of us. With a little help from the man upstairs, WE can push forward - through the obstacles that we are faced. With that being said, here's a glimpse of what I've been going through...

The past three weeks have been what I thought was torture. I have always struggled with anxiety.. more so situational anxiety. As you might recall from the last blog, my fertility doctor stopped my hormone pills due to getting my period. Stopping (synthetic) hormone pills cold turkey can cause hormonal imbalance. Hormone imbalance can cause many different symptoms; one of which is anxiety and depression. Those few weeks of anxiety and depression I thought were never going to end. In turn, it also caused insomnia. I couldn't sleep or eat. I also felt like I wasn't in control. I turned to my mom for advice, as any daughter would. She truly was my lifesaver - thank God! The simple reminders that I was in control of my thoughts, was enough to fight the fears away. Many women and even men struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm putting my story out there because the feeling of being alone is what went through my mind 24/7. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Turn your fears over to god! Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEARS!!

I also, religiously, started essential oils. After a lot of research, I feel confident that essential oils are safe and aid in managing ANY symptoms you may have. Here's a quick guide for what essential oils you should use:

Thanks to beyouthful.net for helping to understand essential oils a little better, we all can have a healthier lifestyle. By the way, I have bought my oils through YoungLiving (Danielle Murrary) and PlantLife. 

Okay, enough of that!

Back to the question, "When is this all going to happen?" Bill and I have put "getting pregnant" on the back burner. No more trips to Shady Grove Fertility planned, no more timing intercourse, no more crazy medication, no more shots, no more focusing on GETTING PREGNANT. Why you might ask!? Because - I'm tired. I'm tired of TRYING so hard. Lousy excuse you say? Well, God has a plan. I shouldn't be messing up this plan. I've accepted that what will be, will be. I'm perfectly content with my life. I love everything about it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I feel I have changed since starting fertility treatments. My mind is more clearer and I believe I am a better person. I feel this is the key to success. 

I remember being that crazy bitch who cocked her head with the racing heart when someone told me they were pregnant. I remember "running away" and crying when someone said they were expecting. I remember getting chocked up when I saw a young couple who barely knew each other, let alone just dating a few months post all over social media that they were pregnant. I remember that same couple post the newborn's picture and then a different dad was the father. I remember having so many questions that started with "Why?" Looking back, I was not connected with God; therefore, I didn't know why this was all happening to Bill and I - a couple with a healthy relationship and financial stability. Well, our relationship wasn't healthy. We were too focused on other things other than US. Today, we both are more connected to each other and God. We know our "why." Our "why" is to love each other unconditionally and be a better person than we were yesterday. You may wonder why we didn't do that before? Well, we thought we were... It took a lot to come to this realization. We opened our eyes to new beginnings, a new chapter that is allowing us to open up about our past and learn from it. 

I cannot wait to see what our future brings. I hope to continue this positivity and embrace others during this time. 

"Use your smile to change the world, don't let the world change your smile." - Roman Atwood

Just remember, you are one of a kind. Put your heart into your dreams!

Love always,

Emily

The End.

I can't even begin to describe my feelings, emotions, or thoughts. This week has truly been overwhelming to say the least. On Wednesday, I made a trip to Shady Grove to see the growth of my follicles. I could tell in the radiology tech's voice that she wasn't seeing much action. She saw one follicle that was 10.6 mm. As mentioned in previous blogs, in order to move forward with fertility treatments, follicles need to be at least 18 mm. I received my results Wednesday evening after the physician reviewed them. The nurse said I'd need to schedule another appointment Friday for bloodwork and ultrasound. I showed up Wednesday with hope the follicle has matured. The doctor did the ultrasound this time. My hands started to get clammy, my heart started racing, and my anxiety started getting the best of me. The pressure that's involved with an internal ultrasound, made me just want to pee my... well I'd say pants, but I didn't have any on, so I guess pee the table I was sitting on. Ugh. So much for feeling modest. The doctor got to the follicle that we saw on Wednesday, and she didn't even need to say anything.. My heart dropped and I just wanted to start crying as I sat there feeling alone. She said, "I'm sorry, but the follicle is still the same size. You'll have to come back on Monday." She cleaned the device, washed her hands, and walked out. There I sat. Alone. I felt so angry. At who? I don't know. I got dressed, paid my copay and walked to my car. I literally sat there for a few minutes, got the courage to call Bill, held in my tears and told him the scoop. I'm so thankful that he is so positive and motivating, as that is the only way I can keep it together some days. I pulled out of the parking lot and somehow managed to drive home, crying my eyes out and talking to God. "Why me?," I kept asking. I have to remind myself, "I will wait on you Lord, as I know you are working on it." As my patience continues to run thin, I am connecting more and more with the Lord. He's not giving up, so why should I?

You're probably now wondering, what's the next step? Me too. I chose not to take another dose of Femara within this cycle, because of my body and mind on overload. With stopping the progesterone hormone, my body's hormones are unbalanced, causing extreme anxiety, fatigue, hot flashes, and other crazy side effects; all of which are normal when stopping hormones. With this being said, my body needs a break. I need a break! Even with recently starting treatments in the past few months, I'm ready to put everything on hold and focus on Bill and my relationship. You just never know, with not focusing on "getting pregnant" every freaking day, my body may just do its own thing! 

Now onto the fun stuff! Did I mention Bill and I planted veggies in the Spring? With this being our first garden, I was hesitant if 1) I was watering enough and 2) Was I over watering? I do not have a green thumb at all.. Sorry Dad! However, we have been successful so far. 5 peppers and 5 cucumbers. I thought I planted a zucchini plant, but apparently I got another cucumber plant. This is so exciting! We're saving money and eating healthy!  

I mentioned in my last blog about going kayaking. We did it! It was so much fun, although I got wet from William splashing me. Bill took his fishing gear and caught a nice sized bass. I took in the scenery! Here's a raw clip - 

Our next adventure is in the works. We each have to decide on 3 places we'd like to go on a day trip - my list is already made.. Just waiting on Willis! I'm so excited!! 

Thanks for tuning in! You are why we are so positive. It's the number of views we get on this blog, private messages, texts, and calls that keep me going. I cannot thank you enough!! 

As always, you are amazing and one of a kind. Keep doing what you're doing! 

Love always,

Emily

#2 Round Short and Sweet

Holy smokes. This round is already off to a bad start. Femera, which I took last month with no side effects, was a whole different story this month. Call me the crazy, psycho woman! I pity my husband for having to deal with me because it was ugly. No worries, my craziness was all symptoms of the drug and I made my nurse aware pronto! I was literally scared shitless. Thank goodness the medicine was out of my system within 1-2 days! I feel like a normal human being now! So, with this all being said… Why do people do drugs? Why are people so addicted to that “crazy, psycho” feeling? Someone please explain??!? None of what I felt, felt like an amazing high. What I felt was not having control of anything. I wanted to literally jump out of my skin and do crazy stuff. I hope to never have to go on to round #3 and go through this again…

Although Bill and I continue with treatments, we are realizing more that “what will be, will be” and we have no control over it. All we can do is pray! (…and cry!) This month, I’m putting getting pregnant on the back burner and trying not to think of it as much as I had been. Because of the worry wart that I am, I’m missing out on the fun times Bill and I could be having. With that being said, we’re going kayaking tomorrow! I can’t wait!! I also have a day trip planned to go hiking at Kilgore Falls in Maryland. We forget how important it is to spend time together. We get so focused on our daily routine and lose track of each other’s love for one another. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Being together 10 years, we get accustomed to a routine without spicing things up. Let me tell you… I’m about ready to spice things up!! Anyone have any good/fun ideas for day trips!?

I’m going to leave you with this quote:

“Just because it’s not happening right now, doesn’t mean it never will.” – unknown

This quote isn’t just about a couple struggling with infertility; it can be for anyone struggling - whether it’s their relationship, work, body image, sexuality, beliefs, etc. In today’s society, people forget that we aren’t alone. Even though we all have different struggles and barriers, we all are fighting! Let’s fight together. Let’s take down those barriers; climb over and don’t let your fears take you down.

Just remember, you are amazing - one of a kind. You are beautiful! Build that backbone and take on life starting NOW!

Love ya'll,
Emily