Birth control starts NOW.

Got my birth control today! What the hay, you ask? Yep, I scheduled an appointment with my gynecologist for today to discuss getting back on birth control after 6 years. Yes, I know what you're thinking... You want to get pregnant, but want to start birth control?! After watching an episode of Teen Mom, Maci expresses her struggle with PCOS. She mentioned being on birth control her whole life to manage symptoms of PCOS. Once she either stopped or skipped a dose, her body was still in "birth control mode" by keeping her body and cycle "normal," but not preventing pregnancy. I read up on birth control being used to manage PCOS and it is very common. Since I struggle with A LOT of symptoms, I had no choice, but to make an appointment to get some BC. I'm a little nervous to start the pills, because of the hormones, but at least this time it's a small dose. Let me tell you, it took a lot of convincing for Bill to let me get it. 

Something else new in my life since my last post is becoming a presenter with Younique. I have been using their skin care products and am extremely pleased with the outcome. Because of PCOS, my face was not clear of pimples and very sensitive to any new products I would put on my face. Thankfully, I took the leap to try something new and glad I did! I encourage anyone that struggles with redness, pimples, uneven skin tones, etc., to try out Younique. 

Another update, just because I feel like you all have missed so much from the last blog, Bill and I have made more time for each other. With putting aside the frustrations and let downs from infertility treatments, we have been able to focus on each other. Love is important in any relationship, and it's easy for the outside world to become a distraction. We've done pretty much everything TOGETHER, like grocery shopping, projects around the house, errands, and household chores. When we were going through treatments, EVERYTHING felt like a chore, including sex. Now, I'm happy to say NOTHING is a chore. We enjoy the time spent together and gracious for what we have, and excited for what the future holds; whether we're blessed with a baby or not, we will accept anything the good Lord has planned for us. I know it's easier said than done, but we'll get through it together. 

It's been extremely difficult lately with seeing how happy couples are announcing their pregnancy and the frequent pregnancy updates on social media. I'm happy for these couples, but it's a daily struggle for me... I feel like I should apologize in advance for my fake smile and excitement. No really, I am happy for you... I guess this is a good time to let you know I am thankful for my sister for giving me two beautiful nieces for me to love unconditionally, and to our close friends who allow Bill and I to be a part of their children's lives - we do really appreciate you! We hope that one day, you all will be able to be a part of our children's lives! 

Words of wisdom I tell myself everyday: You are amazing. You are one of a kind. You are beautiful. Today is the day to make a difference in someone's life! 


Love always - xoxo
Emily

Pregnancy Test Time.

All I can think of is that I’m late. My period is late. How late you ask? LATE, like weeks late. My periods have been normal lately and now this. I think I’m pregnant. Am I pregnant? Nah, just a floozy. For days, I continue each day as normal, not putting much thought into the fact that I’m late this month. I sat on my bed and thought, “Oh my gosh, I’m pregnant? What if I’m really pregnant?” I started envisioning a baby in our home, decorating a nursery, telling our family, just everything about a baby. Why do I do this to myself?! Whyyy??

So this morning, I decided to take a pregnancy test - hopeful that two lines would appear. I wait, and wait and after 5 minutes (according to the instructions), 1 line appears. One. One, lonely line. I am not pregnant. There I sat, on the window seat in my bathroom, while the steam rolled from the shower that I had not even gotten into yet. I couldn’t budge. My heart sank. My thoughts a blur. My body weakened at the thought that I was not pregnant. Why do I do this to myself, you’re probably thinking? Yea, why do I do this to myself? It’s because I still have hope. I’m hopeful that someday I will experience pregnancy and the joy of growing old with my child. I just thought today was the day.

Needless to say, I am not pregnant and maybe one day my cycle will be normal so that I don’t continue to get high hopes of the possibility of being pregnant, when I’m just LATE.

As strong as I may lead on, I am a roller coaster of emotions and thoughts. This battle with infertility will not get the best of me. I am a strong person. I do not fight this battle alone. I have the biggest support system who will not let me down. I am so appreciative of the women I have met who also struggle with infertility. It’s amazing to me that 2 years ago I had no clue what PCOS was or anything even related to infertility. And once I was diagnosed, I thought I would be alone, not realizing so many women are fighting the same fight. Although I live each day with the fear of never getting pregnant and never having a family of my own, I fight the fear with faith. I tell myself every single day, “Don’t let your fear be bigger than your faith.” This quote can help anyone. Connect with God. Believe in his word. Trust him and live each day feeling grateful, blessed, and strong. As I know I am grateful, blessed, and strong!

Words of wisdom:

Don’t ever let someone tell you you’re not beautiful. You are amazing and one of a kind. Be positive and stay strong!

God bless,

Emily

Announcement #541

Welcome to my new song and dance. What the..., you're wondering? The new Emily. My old song and dance was mentioned several blogs ago. The hopeless, lost soul wanting answers to all my "why" questions. Let me just tell you - not only has my support system grown, but, again, so has my faith. I have let go of the fact that I suffer from PCOS. There's no changing the diagnosis. There's no more getting upset with God. There's no more wondering WHEN is this life going to get better. I've come to the realization that life is only going to get better if I want to change it. Change is huge! A lot of people stay in the same spot all their life hoping and wishing things are going to change. Let me break the news to you. Change doesn't happen, unless you make it happen. Get off your hooha and do something for yourself. Are you sick of your job? Are you stuck in an abusive relationship? Are you friends with the wrong crowd? Are you battling an addiction? Are you suffering from anxiety or depression? If you answered yes, which I'm sure the majority of you did, let me help you!

Let me break out my social worker skills! (I can hear my husband saying, "Oh great. Here we go...")

Personal Development. The main principal in change is HOPE. People change because they have hope. If you don't have hope, you will not change. Right? It's up to you to make the change in your life. No one's going to do it for you. You have one life to live. Here's your opportunity to change what you have, right now! 

Here's what worked for me!

#1 - Change begins in your mind. Start by thinking about your beliefs. When you make a change, you also make a change in your beliefs. Your beliefs are a collection of thoughts perceived over time. 

#2 - Believing in yourself is key! Once you're able to believe in yourself, you make yourself a priority. No more "second best." Put your feelings first! Write down what your expectations are in life situations. Remember, you are not the "average Joe" anymore. BELIEVE that you can take on anything, and you will learn you can with no more worries and no more questioning whether you can or cannot. No more "can'ts." 

#3 - Have a positive attitude. Once you start believing in yourself, you will realize your outlook in life is more positive. You will also learn to accept others for who they are, and most importantly, you will accept yourself for who you are!

You're probably wondering how I did it. It wasn't easy, by all means. It took a lot of tries, especially dealing with infertility. I put a lot of trust into personal development. Although, failure was knocking on the door, I pushed through the negativity and succeeded. That's why I have faith that anyone can take on these 3 simple steps. Negativity is filling this society. Social media is to blame because there are so many people that can sit behind their computer or cellphone and type nasty insults all over the internet. Give this opportunity a shot. It will be worth it in the end. You will be stronger mentally and emotionally. 

I have hope that anyone reading this can and will succeed through their journey in life by believing!! My goal by writing this blog is to coach you through this change. I have grown tremendously in the past year, all because of personal development and self-care. 

"Believe you can and you're halfway there." - Theodore Roosevelt 

Just remember, you are beautiful. You are one of a kind. 

Love always,

Emily

Is this really happening?

Are you on my side, God? 

I used to question God's ability to answer prayers; however, over the past several weeks, I can see God answering my prayer. No I'm not pregnant. The answer to my prayer is just a small step in the right direction. God answers our prayers when he feels it is the right time. 

The past few weeks have opened my eyes with life. My life is no where near perfect, but I certainly can make it the best. We are our own advocate. We control what's in front of us. With a little help from the man upstairs, WE can push forward - through the obstacles that we are faced. With that being said, here's a glimpse of what I've been going through...

The past three weeks have been what I thought was torture. I have always struggled with anxiety.. more so situational anxiety. As you might recall from the last blog, my fertility doctor stopped my hormone pills due to getting my period. Stopping (synthetic) hormone pills cold turkey can cause hormonal imbalance. Hormone imbalance can cause many different symptoms; one of which is anxiety and depression. Those few weeks of anxiety and depression I thought were never going to end. In turn, it also caused insomnia. I couldn't sleep or eat. I also felt like I wasn't in control. I turned to my mom for advice, as any daughter would. She truly was my lifesaver - thank God! The simple reminders that I was in control of my thoughts, was enough to fight the fears away. Many women and even men struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm putting my story out there because the feeling of being alone is what went through my mind 24/7. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Turn your fears over to god! Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEARS!!

I also, religiously, started essential oils. After a lot of research, I feel confident that essential oils are safe and aid in managing ANY symptoms you may have. Here's a quick guide for what essential oils you should use:

Thanks to beyouthful.net for helping to understand essential oils a little better, we all can have a healthier lifestyle. By the way, I have bought my oils through YoungLiving (Danielle Murrary) and PlantLife. 

Okay, enough of that!

Back to the question, "When is this all going to happen?" Bill and I have put "getting pregnant" on the back burner. No more trips to Shady Grove Fertility planned, no more timing intercourse, no more crazy medication, no more shots, no more focusing on GETTING PREGNANT. Why you might ask!? Because - I'm tired. I'm tired of TRYING so hard. Lousy excuse you say? Well, God has a plan. I shouldn't be messing up this plan. I've accepted that what will be, will be. I'm perfectly content with my life. I love everything about it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I feel I have changed since starting fertility treatments. My mind is more clearer and I believe I am a better person. I feel this is the key to success. 

I remember being that crazy bitch who cocked her head with the racing heart when someone told me they were pregnant. I remember "running away" and crying when someone said they were expecting. I remember getting chocked up when I saw a young couple who barely knew each other, let alone just dating a few months post all over social media that they were pregnant. I remember that same couple post the newborn's picture and then a different dad was the father. I remember having so many questions that started with "Why?" Looking back, I was not connected with God; therefore, I didn't know why this was all happening to Bill and I - a couple with a healthy relationship and financial stability. Well, our relationship wasn't healthy. We were too focused on other things other than US. Today, we both are more connected to each other and God. We know our "why." Our "why" is to love each other unconditionally and be a better person than we were yesterday. You may wonder why we didn't do that before? Well, we thought we were... It took a lot to come to this realization. We opened our eyes to new beginnings, a new chapter that is allowing us to open up about our past and learn from it. 

I cannot wait to see what our future brings. I hope to continue this positivity and embrace others during this time. 

"Use your smile to change the world, don't let the world change your smile." - Roman Atwood

Just remember, you are one of a kind. Put your heart into your dreams!

Love always,

Emily

The End.

I can't even begin to describe my feelings, emotions, or thoughts. This week has truly been overwhelming to say the least. On Wednesday, I made a trip to Shady Grove to see the growth of my follicles. I could tell in the radiology tech's voice that she wasn't seeing much action. She saw one follicle that was 10.6 mm. As mentioned in previous blogs, in order to move forward with fertility treatments, follicles need to be at least 18 mm. I received my results Wednesday evening after the physician reviewed them. The nurse said I'd need to schedule another appointment Friday for bloodwork and ultrasound. I showed up Wednesday with hope the follicle has matured. The doctor did the ultrasound this time. My hands started to get clammy, my heart started racing, and my anxiety started getting the best of me. The pressure that's involved with an internal ultrasound, made me just want to pee my... well I'd say pants, but I didn't have any on, so I guess pee the table I was sitting on. Ugh. So much for feeling modest. The doctor got to the follicle that we saw on Wednesday, and she didn't even need to say anything.. My heart dropped and I just wanted to start crying as I sat there feeling alone. She said, "I'm sorry, but the follicle is still the same size. You'll have to come back on Monday." She cleaned the device, washed her hands, and walked out. There I sat. Alone. I felt so angry. At who? I don't know. I got dressed, paid my copay and walked to my car. I literally sat there for a few minutes, got the courage to call Bill, held in my tears and told him the scoop. I'm so thankful that he is so positive and motivating, as that is the only way I can keep it together some days. I pulled out of the parking lot and somehow managed to drive home, crying my eyes out and talking to God. "Why me?," I kept asking. I have to remind myself, "I will wait on you Lord, as I know you are working on it." As my patience continues to run thin, I am connecting more and more with the Lord. He's not giving up, so why should I?

You're probably now wondering, what's the next step? Me too. I chose not to take another dose of Femara within this cycle, because of my body and mind on overload. With stopping the progesterone hormone, my body's hormones are unbalanced, causing extreme anxiety, fatigue, hot flashes, and other crazy side effects; all of which are normal when stopping hormones. With this being said, my body needs a break. I need a break! Even with recently starting treatments in the past few months, I'm ready to put everything on hold and focus on Bill and my relationship. You just never know, with not focusing on "getting pregnant" every freaking day, my body may just do its own thing! 

Now onto the fun stuff! Did I mention Bill and I planted veggies in the Spring? With this being our first garden, I was hesitant if 1) I was watering enough and 2) Was I over watering? I do not have a green thumb at all.. Sorry Dad! However, we have been successful so far. 5 peppers and 5 cucumbers. I thought I planted a zucchini plant, but apparently I got another cucumber plant. This is so exciting! We're saving money and eating healthy!  

I mentioned in my last blog about going kayaking. We did it! It was so much fun, although I got wet from William splashing me. Bill took his fishing gear and caught a nice sized bass. I took in the scenery! Here's a raw clip - 

Our next adventure is in the works. We each have to decide on 3 places we'd like to go on a day trip - my list is already made.. Just waiting on Willis! I'm so excited!! 

Thanks for tuning in! You are why we are so positive. It's the number of views we get on this blog, private messages, texts, and calls that keep me going. I cannot thank you enough!! 

As always, you are amazing and one of a kind. Keep doing what you're doing! 

Love always,

Emily

#2 Round Short and Sweet

Holy smokes. This round is already off to a bad start. Femera, which I took last month with no side effects, was a whole different story this month. Call me the crazy, psycho woman! I pity my husband for having to deal with me because it was ugly. No worries, my craziness was all symptoms of the drug and I made my nurse aware pronto! I was literally scared shitless. Thank goodness the medicine was out of my system within 1-2 days! I feel like a normal human being now! So, with this all being said… Why do people do drugs? Why are people so addicted to that “crazy, psycho” feeling? Someone please explain??!? None of what I felt, felt like an amazing high. What I felt was not having control of anything. I wanted to literally jump out of my skin and do crazy stuff. I hope to never have to go on to round #3 and go through this again…

Although Bill and I continue with treatments, we are realizing more that “what will be, will be” and we have no control over it. All we can do is pray! (…and cry!) This month, I’m putting getting pregnant on the back burner and trying not to think of it as much as I had been. Because of the worry wart that I am, I’m missing out on the fun times Bill and I could be having. With that being said, we’re going kayaking tomorrow! I can’t wait!! I also have a day trip planned to go hiking at Kilgore Falls in Maryland. We forget how important it is to spend time together. We get so focused on our daily routine and lose track of each other’s love for one another. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Being together 10 years, we get accustomed to a routine without spicing things up. Let me tell you… I’m about ready to spice things up!! Anyone have any good/fun ideas for day trips!?

I’m going to leave you with this quote:

“Just because it’s not happening right now, doesn’t mean it never will.” – unknown

This quote isn’t just about a couple struggling with infertility; it can be for anyone struggling - whether it’s their relationship, work, body image, sexuality, beliefs, etc. In today’s society, people forget that we aren’t alone. Even though we all have different struggles and barriers, we all are fighting! Let’s fight together. Let’s take down those barriers; climb over and don’t let your fears take you down.

Just remember, you are amazing - one of a kind. You are beautiful! Build that backbone and take on life starting NOW!

Love ya'll,
Emily

Reality sinking in.

Vacation mode. Yes, I’m still in vacation mode, even with being home from the beach for almost a week now. I can’t get my body to “come back to reality.” I guess the reason being, I started Ovidrel AKA trigger shot. Ouch! Scariest thing ever when your husband who is a construction laborer and not a nurse, thinks it’s humorous to “play nurse” while injecting a needle into my lower stomach! The shot causes fatigue and a whole lot of other symptoms I will avoid mentioning. I took a nap each day on vacation! I was so excited to have the chance to chill out and do whatever the heck I wanted! I must say, I had an awesome time with MY HUSBAND. Recently, going to the beach involves other people, which is no fun when you haven’t had a vacation alone with your hubby in over 5 years. I could go on and on, but I should probably stop and move on… Kill them with kindness and smile! Ok, enough.

Since treatments started, there hasn’t been a whole lot of “action” with visits to Shady Grove. I will make a trip next week to take a pregnancy test. Yes, you heard right, drive an hour to take a pregnancy test. I keep telling myself that it’s all going to be worth it in the end. God has a plan!

I have been following a family who has 3 biological boys and within the past few weeks adopted a precious baby girl from the Philippines.  Mandy Rose, founder of House of Rose lifestyle blog and co-founder of Marriage More, has led me on my own journey to be a better spouse. I have been inspired through her blog, which isn’t about making your marriage perfect, but to strive for the best marriage possible. I’m sure you all know that there’s blogs upon blogs written about marriage, family, and life in general and these women either have the shittiest lifestyle (excuse my French), or the most glamourous lifestyle. Well, hate to break the news to you, that’s mostly for attention to get more viewers… Mandy is the most realistic, down to earth person I’ve ever met. Met? Well, I’ve never actually met her, but I feel as if she is my best friend, through reading her blogs and following her journey on Facebook. What inspires me the most, is how dedicated she is towards her family. Family is #1 in her book! I truly live vicariously through her. I honestly never thought of adoption being and option for Bill and I. How could I possibly love a child who is not biologically mine, as if they were my own?! After following Mandy’s journey, I can honestly say that adoption could be and option for us. The amount of children all over the world that are living in orphanages is unbelievable. They need our help! Mandy started a fund to be able to assist the orphanage by selling clothing with the logo “Mighty to Save – Zephaniah 3:17.” They have raised over $12,000 that has already been donated to Dorcas House Orphanage. Absolutely incredible!  Mandy posted a short film of the orphanage their daughter was in, which left me in tears. No questions asked, that I would consider adoption after watching this video. Be prepared to have your heartstrings tugged at! 

 

I would love to hear your stories of adoption. Feel free to leave a comment! Here's the House of Rose blog, so that you can follow along in the Rose journey too! You will truly feel inspired! 

“Love more. Worry less.” – My new daily motto! I may just need to start making shirts with it! Who’s interested!!??

-Emily

So close.

The last two weeks have been utter chaos with driving to Harrisburg and Towson numerous times for tests and ultrasounds. My arms are bruised from being pricked so many times and my vajj feels raw! Sorry folks for the TMI, but these blogs aren't intended for those who judge. I am completely blunt and will continue to be. Why? Because this is MY story!

Moving right along.. You're probably wondering why so many ultrasounds when you're not even pregnant?!?! Because I have 40-some follicles, I lost a few (happy dance), and because I recently completed my period, now it's considered a science experiment in my eyes. Once a woman completes her period, ovulation typically starts on its own and releases an egg. Since I was diagnosed with PCOS, ovulation doesn't always happen for me and when it does, it doesn't always do what it's supposed to do... The frequent ultrasounds help measure the follicles that are growing. The egg is attached to the follicle wall. The follicle then ruptures to release the egg. Once released, it's then time to get down and dirty. Yep, SEX!!! Since I am early on in fertility treatments, Bill and I are hoping that "timed intercourse" works for us. The doctors feel it will, since there are no other barriers at this point. I must say, I was frightened Thursday when I went for my ultrasound and the doctor voiced concern about only having one follicle that was measuring 14.2mm. She was unsure if it was a cyst or a follicle. Today confirmed that it is a follicle and it is now measuring 16.5mm. In order to proceed with treatment, the follicle needs to be 18mm. Bill and I went to the Towson office today for more tests and I waited all day, for what it seemed, for the nurse to call with results and the next step. 2pm and the nurse called! I was pacing through the house while the nurse talked to me and I couldn't focus! All I heard was, "You'll need to come back tomorrow for more blood work and another ultrasound." I thought on a Sunday?? What do you mean? I'm supposed to be on vacation!? I paused... The nurse asked if everything was okay. I mentioned that Bill and I have already delayed our vacation two days, but we're fine with having to come down another day and we'll take our vacation another time. The nurse immediately told me she'd call the on-call doctor and figure something out. After two hours of waiting for a call back, the nurse called and apologized for the wait. She said I was cleared and able to head on vacation! However, she taught me the "trigger shot" via the phone! Ohhh my gawd!!!!! Although I work in healthcare, I am not a nurse and neither is my husband. I bet ya'll were wishing you were a fly on the wall then! Ha, this is going to be great! Bill who is somewhat of a worry-wart and scared he may hurt me, and then me, who doesn't necessarily like shots to begin with.. This will go over well! My first shot is Sunday evening between 6pm to midnight. Then it's on like donkey kong until Tuesday morning! (wink, wink) Oh, and I failed to mention what else I'm doing. At Thursday's appointment, the doctor mentioned that I have a thin uterine lining. So to fix this issue, I was prescribed estrates. Estrates are pills that I shove up my vajj to help thicken the lining. Estrates are estrogen hormones. Now mind you, the pill is teal in color. The first day I did this, I went on my merry way to work, had to use the bathroom, pulled down my undies and my undies were TEAL! I freaked!! No one tells you or demonstrates how to insert them... I thought I was doing it wrong, but come to find out, it was fine. Our bodies know what to absorb! I must say, it's amazing how the human body works. 

With how frustrated and upset I have been the past week, I just have to stop and thank each and every one of you. From the messages, texts, phone calls, in person conversations, etc., you all have blown me away from the amount of support you all have for Bill and I. I'll be honest, there's times when I wonder if anyone cares... well, it's absolutely amazing to me the friendships I've created from this experience to the long lasting friendships Bill and I have had from decades ago. Bill and I would not be where we are today without YOU. You all are incredible people! We love you all! Just remember, there are billions of people in this world and although we all suffer from something, we are not alone! This is just my story, what's yours? If you are struggling with something and afraid to open up and talk to someone about it, don't be worried, people can't help you if they don't know! 


You're amazing. You're one of a kind. Love you guys!! 
~Emily

Overwhelmed with emotions.

Almost two months have passed since my last blog and I am still a roller coaster of emotions. Some people probably read this and think "Girl, you have major mental health issues." Ummm, you're wrong. It's called, I'm living with a fertility issue called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I can't get pregnant at the drop of a hat. So deal with it... My story isn't as unique as it may sound. There's millions of women going through the same thing as my husband and I. It's also something that all these women deal with differently. Blogging is my outlet. I hope to one day look back at these blogs and thank the good Lord for diagnosing ME with PCOS, rather than a couple that 1) doesn't know how to cope with it and ends in divorce, 2) turns on the Lord and blames him, and 3) hurting themselves or someone else. Trust me, this is painful. Five years with no answers would drive anyone absolutely crazy! Can you imagine!? Take a step in my shoes for a second... Think of something you have now (ex: child(ren)). Imagine having to wait for that one particular thing for five years. Imagine wanting something so bad and not being able to know when or if you're ever going to get it. Imagine fighting so hard for something for FIVE YEARS, and still not getting it. You get my point? It's difficult. Now you have an idea what Bill and I are going through... It's hard to fathom. 

So the journey continues... I recently had blood work completed since being on Synthroid and Metformin for 2+ months. My nurse at Shady Grove e-mailed me with the results and they couldn’t be more pleased with my levels. My hormone levels, thyroid, and A1C are all within normal range. The next step was setting up an appointment to meet with the doctor. I set up the appointment for the following week and was told to come prepared to discuss treatment plans. Well that’s easier said than done. There are so many different treatments available, but there’s a lot of factors that play into treatment – cost being the primary factor. Dr. Esposito, who is following my case, couldn’t be more personable, helpful, and most of all, caring. Her level of kindness is unbelievable, especially for a doctor.

The outcome of appointment –

Although I have 57 follicles on my ovaries, I was given a high chance of conceiving. Since we were unsuccessful with Clomid, the next step is to try Femara along with hormone injections. Injections, you ask? Yes, like giving yourself a large needle injection. This is when the fun starts. Multiple trips to Shady Grove for ultrasounds and blood work begin my next "cycle." Then, get ready here’s the best part…. Timed intercourse. Helllllooo! Oh my…. It’s just like it sounds… The doctor’s office will call me when Bill and I are supposed to “do it.” Intimate?? Ha.

So that’s pretty much it! Trial and error.

I couldn’t be more overwhelmed with emotions. These long 5 years of trying to conceive feel like they are coming to an end. I’m not getting my hopes up, because I’ve been there, done that way too many times. I’m feeling a little more at ease with the whole situation since talking with an expert regarding my infertility. If you or someone you know is experiencing infertility, have them speak with a fertility specialist (Shady Grove is the best). Only reason I say this is, I feel I lost a lot of time going to my gynecologist. She didn’t care about my husband and my wishes or the amount of time we tried to conceive. She didn’t go out of her way to make the referral for me to go to Shady Grove. I took it upon myself to refer myself to Shady Grove, and I’m glad I did.

I’ll be sure to keep you all up to date with how everything is going. I just ask that you continue to support Bill and I through this journey. We are so happy that we have YOU in our lives and couldn’t ask for a better support system.

As Nicholas Sparks always says, "It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee." 

God bless and love,

Emily

TMI; Be prepared!

Just another day in paradise?? Ha, you must ask?? If you want my answer, sure, another day in paradise. I'm writing this blog based around the Rascal Flatts favorite, "My Wish." 

"I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big."

I wasn't going to copy and paste the entire lyrics here; however, I can relate to the whole song! 

I haven't been blogging as much. I've been sheltering my emotions because of the unknown and the changes I've recently gone through with my career. You know, I started a new job about a month ago and everyone sees that I'm married and the very first question they ask is, "How many kids do you have?" It's a very uncomfortable situation. Number one, I instantly feel heartbroken. And number two, I don't want my new colleagues to think, "Oh jeez, the new girl has infertility issues and will be missing work because of all these appointments," or "Oh jeez, don't talk about your kids around the new girl...blah blah blah." I've become so numb to what's going on... I was taking Metformin and Synthroid to get some levels balanced. Right before I started my new job, I suddenly stopped taking the medicine. Now that I've been off all of the medication for a month, I'm realizing that I'm not going to get anywhere if I don't take it. So I set a goal for myself, to start this week! With how down I am on myself, I have to look at the big picture. Worry about myself and my hubby - THAT'S IT, oh, and stay positive!! 

"My Wish" has been a song that I have always loved and the song that always sticks in my head for some unknown reason. Today, I realized there's a reason why it's on repeat. Replaying the song lyrics over and over, I feel as if this song comes from the "old me" - the Emily that was strong emotionally and able to fight her emotions. The Emily that was able to stay headstrong and fight her way to the finish line. Well, today is the day I set my fears, frustrations, and negativity aside and fight the infertility battle. 

Setting all that aside, I just want to say how incredibly proud I am of William. He works fulltime, some days more than 12+ hours, and has had tons of screen printing orders placed. He is working his tail off in order to support our dreams of having a family. With all that is going on lately, we have worked on our relationship. I've read that it's normal for couples with infertility issues to feel that sex is a job.. Yes, I said it, a job! We don't want to be a part of a statistic that says "Couples with infertility feel sex is a job," so we've made it fun. Yes, TMI, but remember this blog is to support other PCOS "Cysters" and ladies experiencing infertility for unknown reasons. For couples experiencing infertility, they get so focused on the timing. It's like "Sex on Demand." - Ok, I'm ovulating, let's do it.. It doesn't always work like that; plus, it's annoying and a turn-off. I'm not a piece of machinery... It's important to have the conversation with your hubby about what turns you both on, that way you can enjoy each other, rather than "Am I propped up high enough?," "Am I at the right angle?," "Hurry, put a pillow under my butt!" Oh my goodness, my mom is going to freak when she reads this... Sorry mother!

I almost wrote, "sorry if I offended anyone." But you know what, I don't care. You know why, because this is the true me. This is what infertility looks and feels like. If you never had or have to experience this, thank the good Lord up above. And while you are talking to him, pray for me and and everyone else who is dealing with infertility. It truly is an emotional roller coaster.

OK, that's enough for one day! I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. 

Love always.

You are beautiful,

Emily

Lost?

You probably thought I got lost, right? Well life has been quite hectic. Since my last post, I got the results of my blood work, which confirmed PCOS. It also evidenced having thyroid issues. I started Synthroid 50mg, Metformin 1000mg, and Vit D 4000iu. I've never taken so many pills. Plus, there's so many instructions and side effects with these meds! Don't eat half hour to an hour before and after taking Synthroid. Oh, and don't forget the severe GI upset with Metformin! My, oh, my! I'm still trying to get used to everything. I have changed my diet to low carb. It's working because I've lost 10lbs! Wahooo!!! Other than getting the results and taking medications, nothing else has changed with the infertility issue...

On another note, I start a new career April 4th! I am so excited! Not only is the pay better, but I will be able to spend more time with my family. I will save myself about 2 hours a day with not having to be stuck in the car driving to and from work. I couldn't be more thrilled!! These last 2 weeks are going to be the longest. I am so thankful for those who are supportive of the change! Please continue to pray for me during the transition phase!! 

One last thing! I recently attended a Clayton Jennings event, which was absolutely amazing. He emphasized that God has a plan for each and every person, whether you believe or not. There are so many people that are just afraid - whether it's to talk to God, trust in God, believe in God, or to worship God; however, God is going to be there for you no matter your sins, no matter what your past is, and no matter your color, race, sex, or beliefs. There's a narrow path to Heaven, you should jump on and start believing! My relationship with God has grown tremendously over the past 6 months. It began with the struggle of infertility, the struggles of what I wanted in a career, and just life! One day, I just stopped what I was doing and talked to God. I began to see answers. I asked God, "Why me?," and I began to realize. It's an amazing thing! 

As always, you're a beautiful person, inside and out. Love life and love yourself!
~Emily

Who Am I?

Sometimes I wonder, who am I? Since being diagnosed with PCOS, I feel less like a woman. For those of you that don't have PCOS, you are probably wondering why. Well, here's my reason - 1) A woman should be able to reproduce naturally. That is our job as a woman, right?. Guess what, I can't. 2) My body is producing more testosterone than an average female which results in excessive amounts of body hair, excess body weight, and decreased fertility. 3) All the other symptoms that go along with PCOS, makes me feel like my husband should not have to put up with "someone" like me. Thank god he reassures me on a daily basis, that no matter what, he'll always love me. (Thanks babe!)

So do you see where I'm coming from?! It must be nice to ovulate normally and get pregnant within the next month. Women take that for granted! 

Guess what?! Thursday was "the time of the month" (AKA my friend's in town). Bummer... Insert sad face here, kind of feeling. I was instructed during our initial meeting with Shady Grove Fertility, to call and make appointment during day 1-3 of cycle to set up blood work and ultrasound. So Thursday I called, and was able to be seen Friday at 8am! Two vials of blood work and an ultrasound later, I was getting closer to more results and a plan. The ultrasound tech, doctor, and Bill were bedside providing comfort as they could tell my stress level was heightened. The tech was looking at the screen and said, "27" - meaning 27 follicles on the left ovary. The doctor said, "Wow!" I started freaking out and asked them, "What does that mean?" "What's normal?" They didn't say much other than "that's higher than normal." The right side has 30 follicles. I was informed that the normal amount of follicles is between 6 and 12. My results, again, reassure that PCOS is my diagnosis. 

Saturday Bill and I went for more blood work. For me they ordered 27 tests. For Bill there were 4. His was only 2 vials. Mine was 13 vials! I was most definitely not expecting that at all! THIRTEEN! Helloooooo, I almost passed out. The lady who drew my blood was so kind and so patient with me. I wish I knew her name so that she could be recognized for a job well done! 

Once we got something to eat and came home, I could not believe how exhausted I was. I guess I should have realized 13 vials of blood and having my period would take a lot out of me. I know when women are pregnant, they get blood work done and have lots of appointments, but what they don't realize is, couples who experience infertility go through a lot and sometimes don't have the joy of ever experiencing child birth or the fresh smell of a baby or the soft, smooth skin of a baby or any of the other joys of being a family of 3. Infertility treatments is taking a gamble. You pray and hope one day God grants you the ability to get pregnant and have a health pregnancy. Until then, I pray that my emotions and frustrations don't get the best of me and bring me down.

To be able to blog and put everything out in the public takes a lot of courage. I want to thank YOU for being sincere and supportive through this journey. What helps me the most is the messages, comments, and even in person support and words of encouragement - most of which are from people I barely know. Again, thank you; I couldn't do it without you!

My fortune cookie from the other day leads me to believe the struggle will soon end...

Boom!

Sorry, I've been behind the eight ball this week! Since starting the blog and being more public about my life, people are reaching out to provide support and discussing their struggle. I cannot thank you all enough for allowing me to be a part of your journey as well as my own. 

As much as infertility effects many people, there are a lot more people that are pregnant. So happy for them, don't get me wrong; however, with being associated with social media, I am seeing and hearing more teenagers becoming pregnant, whereas established couples work hard, are financially stable, and experience the struggle of infertility. Hellooooo, young teenage mom and dad... you can barely take care of yourself, you don't have a job, you don't know who the baby daddy is, you live with your parents, and you don't even know who you are.. why? Because you aren't an adult. I'm sure I will be getting a lot of hate from this blog, but it just doesn't make sense to me, nor does it help my struggle... I also don't understand women who abort their unborn baby. Do you realize you are being selfish? What gives you the right to kill an unborn child? Consider adoption! Catelynn and Tyler from Teen Mom should be your role model, if you are a teen pregnant. They set up an open-adoption, since they were becoming parents at a young age. It has brought them closer together as a couple, and gave life to a beautiful little girl who is thriving with her adoptive parents and siblings. 

Earlier this week while at work, I was looking up a physician's NPI on the internet and BOOM!...

Was the ad necessary!?!? I kind of deflated when I saw this. I feel that wherever I go, the questions of pregnancy follow me. You would think after so many years, I would be over the feeling of being "deflated." Does this stuff happen to anyone else?

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind. I just can't help to think about anything and everything... When you are a child, every little girl dreams of the perfect little family. When you become a teenager and begin to have sex, you try to take all precautions to prevent pregnancy. Did I ever think I would be in the position I am now, when I was younger? Heavens no! So here I am, 26 years old, married for almost 4.5 years, childless... Thank goodness my husband is very supportive and remains positive by reassuring me that one day, we will be blessed with the perfect little family! God bless him! 

I continue to pray and talk to God about "the plan," hoping that he soon blesses me with a healthy pregnancy. I am learning to live without understanding and learning to trust God through this journey. It's hard to come to terms with it, but God has a plan for everyone.

You're probably wondering what the next step in my journey is. Well, I have to wait, like usual, to get my next period. Then I will make a trip to Shady Grove for an ultrasound and bloodwork, and get a prescription for Metformin and Femera; pending the results of the testing. 

As Roman Atwood says, "Stick to a positive lifestyle. I want you to know everyone is struggling and you are not alone. We are all fighting our own battles. Everyone you look at has their own problems and could be 10 times bigger than yours. Don't let anyone bring you down. You are one of a kind. Smile more." I must say, Roman Atwood is my inspiration. Be sure to check out his daily vlogs. My husband and I watch the vlogs daily and live vicariously through Roman's family. 

Love you all.

-Emily

Survival Kit.

New parents have a "survival kit," so why shouldn't couples experiencing infertility have their own "survival kit?" As part of setting goals for myself for overcoming the struggle of getting pregnant, I decided to put together a survival kit for my husband and I. 

Pamper Yourself
First of all, pamper yourself! One thing I put on the back burner, because of working in the helping profession, I always think of putting others first. Setting time aside to go for a manicure is just enough "me time."

Date Night
With the diagnosis of PCOS, I tend to blame myself for not getting pregnant. I feel terrible that my husband is "stuck" with a woman who can't conceive normally. So to be able to give back to him, we will have more date nights - whether it's grabbing a bite to eat, Sweet Frog, a picnic, or going for a walk; it's important to have these special moments together. It's moments like these when I fall back in love with my husband! Yes, we spend day in and day out with just each other, besides working hours, but I truly enjoy spending quality time one-on-one. 

God
As angry as I get at God because I question, why me, I always have to remember that he is the one that gives me strength to get through the days and the motivation to stay positive. So I have added the bible to my survival kit. If you still haven't accepted Christ into your life (your loss), look into self-help books for guidance. 

Tissues
For those of you not experiencing infertility, you may think I'm crazy, but better be damned if I'm not throwing in a box of tissues. My emotions are a roller coaster. Some days are better than others, but let's be real, the thought of not getting pregnant crosses my mind more often than it should. There's many nights I fall asleep with tears in my eyes.

Getaways 
My husband and I bought our house several years ago with the anticipation of raising a family in this house. When we painted the entire house, we made sure to paint the "nursery" the color we wanted for when we had children. Well, the walls are painted, but minus the babe. I must say, it is difficult to come home each day, 4 years later, to just my husband and me. The routine gets old, we feel like roommates some days, and we just forget to love each other. Again, sounds crazy, but true. In order to change up the boring weekends, we are going to venture out and getaway - go boating, spend time at the beach, do things we love to do!

I look forward to adding new things to my survival kit and can't wait to share with you our experiences! Just remember, whether my blogging helps 100 people or 1 person, my journey is different from yours and it has taken a lot for me to open up to each of you.

Remember, stay positive. Love you all!

Blinded.

Since the past few years have been a bust with infertility, I am setting new goals for myself. I'll be the first to admit that I let myself go. Unfortunately though, the signs and symptoms of PCOS are my barriers - anxiety, weight gain, acne, irregular menstrual cycles and the lovely "excess hair growth"; all of which I have. Part of me is frustrated and wants to break down and cry, which I have done a lot of recently, but I know crying isn't getting me anywhere. Yes, I know, it's a normal emotion to feel. I just feel that getting emotional is just setting me back. It's time to have a new outlook and turn the negatives into positives. Have you ever let something get to you and bother you for days? Don't fool yourself, you know there's been a time - whether it's over money, a relationship, infertility, a job, school, etc. Even the feeling of being overwhelmed. It's times like these when your own psycho-social well-being needs to accept the emotions and have a plan to be able to manage your emotions the next time you become upset or when something bothers you.

Anxiety is something I struggle with the most. I have had anxiety probably since I was in high school. I would get so anxious over nothing to the point I would break out in a sweat and think I was going to pass out. I have learned to overcome some of the anxiety by doing the following:

• Exercise
• Take deep breaths
• Get a good nights rest
• Challenge the "What if" phrase
• Remain positive
• Stop drinking caffeinated drinks
• Talk out my feelings with someone who cares 

Ok, so what about the other symptoms of PCOS? Weight gain. For women, weight gain is such a self-esteem buster. Shopping for clothes has been the absolute worst. Thank god for leggings, boots, and big baggy shirts. Cute, right? Eating healthy is hard. I love to snack! Lately, I have altered my diet and cut out snacking. It has been the most difficult thing to do, but what I've learned is to stay busy. I don't allow myself the time to open the fridge or go to the pantry to "browse" because I'm bored. 

Next - Acne. As a teenager, acne is expected. As an adult, acne is not welcomed any longer. The phase in my life to get acne should have passed, but unfortunately it missed the memo. I have been going to a skin care clinic for laser hair removal for the excess hair growth that comes with PCOS, and they introduced me to a green tea fortified cleanser. It has done wonders to my face and prevented most pimples. I highly recommend it!

Lastly, irregular menstrual periods. I have had irregular periods since the time I got my period. Not very fun, considering you never know when it is going to pop up. Before I got married, I had taken a low dose birth control pill to help regulate my menses, which definitely helped with regulation and cramping. Now, however, I'm back to square one. Terrible cramps and irregular monthly cycles. My GYN started me on Clomid, which helped with ovulation. I took the Clear Blue smiley ovulation tests through the 3 rounds of Clomid and got smiley faces each time.. Still no baby. Now that I've been diagnosed with PCOS, my doctor thinks the Clomid dose wasn't strong enough. I'm excited to start more rounds of testing and a new fertility drug. 

I know PCOS has other symptoms, but the ones I listed above, just happen to be the symptoms that I am experiencing. Do you have any techniques that help you?

2016 is going to be the year to focus on myself, my attitude, new goals, and most importantly my health. I am a very goal oriented person. Over the next few days, I'm going to set some goals for myself and for my marriage. Any ideas?

Here's my advice to you. Don't be blinded of your own emotions, your loved one's emotions, or even a stranger's emotions. Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily routine that we don't get to focus on the people that need us the most, including ourselves. Take 15 minutes out of your daily routine to meditate, read the Bible, pray, or just ask your spouse how their day went. You never know what tomorrow may bring. Focus on today!

Love you all!

Don't Give Up.

Let me start out by saying, thank you! Granted, I only started this blog two days ago, but I am so grateful for everyone who views my blog. Why you might ask? Because you all are supporting me and everyone who has the same experience, whether you think you are or not. I am amazed at the amount of private messages I have received from ladies informing me of having the same diagnosis. It is helping me to accept the diagnosis and the struggle even more. 

Is 2016 the year? Maybe... I thought 2015 was, and 2014, and 2013, and 2012... I am not ready to accept "giving up." Everyone just tells me to stop worrying and to not think about trying to get pregnant. WHAT?! Who says that to someone whose mind is set on having the perfect little family? Let me just tell you, it's not that easy! Nor do I wish it was easy. As a little girl carrying around a baby doll, I always wished of having a child. It was one of the first conversations Bill and I had when we started dating. Having a child is so important to me, so before you start asking questions, stop, it's not a conversation you want to have with just anyone, even if you think you really know the person. Just so you know, I am happy for any woman who is pregnant. I'm okay with hearing your wonderful news. I just hope and pray that some day I will achieve the same. 

Infertility effects 1 in 7 couples. The most common cause of infertility is polycystic ovarian syndrome. I regret waiting over 4 years to meet with an infertility doctor, but I am also very thankful for physicians who specialize in infertility as they are the experts to provide a plan for us. I encourage every woman to have regular gynecology appointments and ask questions!  

So I've received the paperwork from the infertility nurse, status post the consultation from the doctor. It's all becoming so surreal. And the testing begins... for Bill and I! He's thrilled, let me tell you! At least his is just blood work since he's already been through the traumatic part of his testing, months ago. He's such a great support system through this entire process. I've read so many blogs by women going through the same, and have read that their spouse is not supportive. Ladies, if your spouse is not supportive of this process, stop! You can't go through this without the person you need the most. This obviously isn't something to do alone. 

Words of wisdom...