Is this really happening?

Are you on my side, God? 

I used to question God's ability to answer prayers; however, over the past several weeks, I can see God answering my prayer. No I'm not pregnant. The answer to my prayer is just a small step in the right direction. God answers our prayers when he feels it is the right time. 

The past few weeks have opened my eyes with life. My life is no where near perfect, but I certainly can make it the best. We are our own advocate. We control what's in front of us. With a little help from the man upstairs, WE can push forward - through the obstacles that we are faced. With that being said, here's a glimpse of what I've been going through...

The past three weeks have been what I thought was torture. I have always struggled with anxiety.. more so situational anxiety. As you might recall from the last blog, my fertility doctor stopped my hormone pills due to getting my period. Stopping (synthetic) hormone pills cold turkey can cause hormonal imbalance. Hormone imbalance can cause many different symptoms; one of which is anxiety and depression. Those few weeks of anxiety and depression I thought were never going to end. In turn, it also caused insomnia. I couldn't sleep or eat. I also felt like I wasn't in control. I turned to my mom for advice, as any daughter would. She truly was my lifesaver - thank God! The simple reminders that I was in control of my thoughts, was enough to fight the fears away. Many women and even men struggle with anxiety and depression. I'm putting my story out there because the feeling of being alone is what went through my mind 24/7. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Turn your fears over to god! Let your FAITH be bigger than your FEARS!!

I also, religiously, started essential oils. After a lot of research, I feel confident that essential oils are safe and aid in managing ANY symptoms you may have. Here's a quick guide for what essential oils you should use:

Thanks to beyouthful.net for helping to understand essential oils a little better, we all can have a healthier lifestyle. By the way, I have bought my oils through YoungLiving (Danielle Murrary) and PlantLife. 

Okay, enough of that!

Back to the question, "When is this all going to happen?" Bill and I have put "getting pregnant" on the back burner. No more trips to Shady Grove Fertility planned, no more timing intercourse, no more crazy medication, no more shots, no more focusing on GETTING PREGNANT. Why you might ask!? Because - I'm tired. I'm tired of TRYING so hard. Lousy excuse you say? Well, God has a plan. I shouldn't be messing up this plan. I've accepted that what will be, will be. I'm perfectly content with my life. I love everything about it, and I wouldn't change it for the world. I feel I have changed since starting fertility treatments. My mind is more clearer and I believe I am a better person. I feel this is the key to success. 

I remember being that crazy bitch who cocked her head with the racing heart when someone told me they were pregnant. I remember "running away" and crying when someone said they were expecting. I remember getting chocked up when I saw a young couple who barely knew each other, let alone just dating a few months post all over social media that they were pregnant. I remember that same couple post the newborn's picture and then a different dad was the father. I remember having so many questions that started with "Why?" Looking back, I was not connected with God; therefore, I didn't know why this was all happening to Bill and I - a couple with a healthy relationship and financial stability. Well, our relationship wasn't healthy. We were too focused on other things other than US. Today, we both are more connected to each other and God. We know our "why." Our "why" is to love each other unconditionally and be a better person than we were yesterday. You may wonder why we didn't do that before? Well, we thought we were... It took a lot to come to this realization. We opened our eyes to new beginnings, a new chapter that is allowing us to open up about our past and learn from it. 

I cannot wait to see what our future brings. I hope to continue this positivity and embrace others during this time. 

"Use your smile to change the world, don't let the world change your smile." - Roman Atwood

Just remember, you are one of a kind. Put your heart into your dreams!

Love always,

Emily

The End.

I can't even begin to describe my feelings, emotions, or thoughts. This week has truly been overwhelming to say the least. On Wednesday, I made a trip to Shady Grove to see the growth of my follicles. I could tell in the radiology tech's voice that she wasn't seeing much action. She saw one follicle that was 10.6 mm. As mentioned in previous blogs, in order to move forward with fertility treatments, follicles need to be at least 18 mm. I received my results Wednesday evening after the physician reviewed them. The nurse said I'd need to schedule another appointment Friday for bloodwork and ultrasound. I showed up Wednesday with hope the follicle has matured. The doctor did the ultrasound this time. My hands started to get clammy, my heart started racing, and my anxiety started getting the best of me. The pressure that's involved with an internal ultrasound, made me just want to pee my... well I'd say pants, but I didn't have any on, so I guess pee the table I was sitting on. Ugh. So much for feeling modest. The doctor got to the follicle that we saw on Wednesday, and she didn't even need to say anything.. My heart dropped and I just wanted to start crying as I sat there feeling alone. She said, "I'm sorry, but the follicle is still the same size. You'll have to come back on Monday." She cleaned the device, washed her hands, and walked out. There I sat. Alone. I felt so angry. At who? I don't know. I got dressed, paid my copay and walked to my car. I literally sat there for a few minutes, got the courage to call Bill, held in my tears and told him the scoop. I'm so thankful that he is so positive and motivating, as that is the only way I can keep it together some days. I pulled out of the parking lot and somehow managed to drive home, crying my eyes out and talking to God. "Why me?," I kept asking. I have to remind myself, "I will wait on you Lord, as I know you are working on it." As my patience continues to run thin, I am connecting more and more with the Lord. He's not giving up, so why should I?

You're probably now wondering, what's the next step? Me too. I chose not to take another dose of Femara within this cycle, because of my body and mind on overload. With stopping the progesterone hormone, my body's hormones are unbalanced, causing extreme anxiety, fatigue, hot flashes, and other crazy side effects; all of which are normal when stopping hormones. With this being said, my body needs a break. I need a break! Even with recently starting treatments in the past few months, I'm ready to put everything on hold and focus on Bill and my relationship. You just never know, with not focusing on "getting pregnant" every freaking day, my body may just do its own thing! 

Now onto the fun stuff! Did I mention Bill and I planted veggies in the Spring? With this being our first garden, I was hesitant if 1) I was watering enough and 2) Was I over watering? I do not have a green thumb at all.. Sorry Dad! However, we have been successful so far. 5 peppers and 5 cucumbers. I thought I planted a zucchini plant, but apparently I got another cucumber plant. This is so exciting! We're saving money and eating healthy!  

I mentioned in my last blog about going kayaking. We did it! It was so much fun, although I got wet from William splashing me. Bill took his fishing gear and caught a nice sized bass. I took in the scenery! Here's a raw clip - 

Our next adventure is in the works. We each have to decide on 3 places we'd like to go on a day trip - my list is already made.. Just waiting on Willis! I'm so excited!! 

Thanks for tuning in! You are why we are so positive. It's the number of views we get on this blog, private messages, texts, and calls that keep me going. I cannot thank you enough!! 

As always, you are amazing and one of a kind. Keep doing what you're doing! 

Love always,

Emily

#2 Round Short and Sweet

Holy smokes. This round is already off to a bad start. Femera, which I took last month with no side effects, was a whole different story this month. Call me the crazy, psycho woman! I pity my husband for having to deal with me because it was ugly. No worries, my craziness was all symptoms of the drug and I made my nurse aware pronto! I was literally scared shitless. Thank goodness the medicine was out of my system within 1-2 days! I feel like a normal human being now! So, with this all being said… Why do people do drugs? Why are people so addicted to that “crazy, psycho” feeling? Someone please explain??!? None of what I felt, felt like an amazing high. What I felt was not having control of anything. I wanted to literally jump out of my skin and do crazy stuff. I hope to never have to go on to round #3 and go through this again…

Although Bill and I continue with treatments, we are realizing more that “what will be, will be” and we have no control over it. All we can do is pray! (…and cry!) This month, I’m putting getting pregnant on the back burner and trying not to think of it as much as I had been. Because of the worry wart that I am, I’m missing out on the fun times Bill and I could be having. With that being said, we’re going kayaking tomorrow! I can’t wait!! I also have a day trip planned to go hiking at Kilgore Falls in Maryland. We forget how important it is to spend time together. We get so focused on our daily routine and lose track of each other’s love for one another. Sounds crazy, but it’s true. Being together 10 years, we get accustomed to a routine without spicing things up. Let me tell you… I’m about ready to spice things up!! Anyone have any good/fun ideas for day trips!?

I’m going to leave you with this quote:

“Just because it’s not happening right now, doesn’t mean it never will.” – unknown

This quote isn’t just about a couple struggling with infertility; it can be for anyone struggling - whether it’s their relationship, work, body image, sexuality, beliefs, etc. In today’s society, people forget that we aren’t alone. Even though we all have different struggles and barriers, we all are fighting! Let’s fight together. Let’s take down those barriers; climb over and don’t let your fears take you down.

Just remember, you are amazing - one of a kind. You are beautiful! Build that backbone and take on life starting NOW!

Love ya'll,
Emily

Reality sinking in.

Vacation mode. Yes, I’m still in vacation mode, even with being home from the beach for almost a week now. I can’t get my body to “come back to reality.” I guess the reason being, I started Ovidrel AKA trigger shot. Ouch! Scariest thing ever when your husband who is a construction laborer and not a nurse, thinks it’s humorous to “play nurse” while injecting a needle into my lower stomach! The shot causes fatigue and a whole lot of other symptoms I will avoid mentioning. I took a nap each day on vacation! I was so excited to have the chance to chill out and do whatever the heck I wanted! I must say, I had an awesome time with MY HUSBAND. Recently, going to the beach involves other people, which is no fun when you haven’t had a vacation alone with your hubby in over 5 years. I could go on and on, but I should probably stop and move on… Kill them with kindness and smile! Ok, enough.

Since treatments started, there hasn’t been a whole lot of “action” with visits to Shady Grove. I will make a trip next week to take a pregnancy test. Yes, you heard right, drive an hour to take a pregnancy test. I keep telling myself that it’s all going to be worth it in the end. God has a plan!

I have been following a family who has 3 biological boys and within the past few weeks adopted a precious baby girl from the Philippines.  Mandy Rose, founder of House of Rose lifestyle blog and co-founder of Marriage More, has led me on my own journey to be a better spouse. I have been inspired through her blog, which isn’t about making your marriage perfect, but to strive for the best marriage possible. I’m sure you all know that there’s blogs upon blogs written about marriage, family, and life in general and these women either have the shittiest lifestyle (excuse my French), or the most glamourous lifestyle. Well, hate to break the news to you, that’s mostly for attention to get more viewers… Mandy is the most realistic, down to earth person I’ve ever met. Met? Well, I’ve never actually met her, but I feel as if she is my best friend, through reading her blogs and following her journey on Facebook. What inspires me the most, is how dedicated she is towards her family. Family is #1 in her book! I truly live vicariously through her. I honestly never thought of adoption being and option for Bill and I. How could I possibly love a child who is not biologically mine, as if they were my own?! After following Mandy’s journey, I can honestly say that adoption could be and option for us. The amount of children all over the world that are living in orphanages is unbelievable. They need our help! Mandy started a fund to be able to assist the orphanage by selling clothing with the logo “Mighty to Save – Zephaniah 3:17.” They have raised over $12,000 that has already been donated to Dorcas House Orphanage. Absolutely incredible!  Mandy posted a short film of the orphanage their daughter was in, which left me in tears. No questions asked, that I would consider adoption after watching this video. Be prepared to have your heartstrings tugged at! 

 

I would love to hear your stories of adoption. Feel free to leave a comment! Here's the House of Rose blog, so that you can follow along in the Rose journey too! You will truly feel inspired! 

“Love more. Worry less.” – My new daily motto! I may just need to start making shirts with it! Who’s interested!!??

-Emily

So close.

The last two weeks have been utter chaos with driving to Harrisburg and Towson numerous times for tests and ultrasounds. My arms are bruised from being pricked so many times and my vajj feels raw! Sorry folks for the TMI, but these blogs aren't intended for those who judge. I am completely blunt and will continue to be. Why? Because this is MY story!

Moving right along.. You're probably wondering why so many ultrasounds when you're not even pregnant?!?! Because I have 40-some follicles, I lost a few (happy dance), and because I recently completed my period, now it's considered a science experiment in my eyes. Once a woman completes her period, ovulation typically starts on its own and releases an egg. Since I was diagnosed with PCOS, ovulation doesn't always happen for me and when it does, it doesn't always do what it's supposed to do... The frequent ultrasounds help measure the follicles that are growing. The egg is attached to the follicle wall. The follicle then ruptures to release the egg. Once released, it's then time to get down and dirty. Yep, SEX!!! Since I am early on in fertility treatments, Bill and I are hoping that "timed intercourse" works for us. The doctors feel it will, since there are no other barriers at this point. I must say, I was frightened Thursday when I went for my ultrasound and the doctor voiced concern about only having one follicle that was measuring 14.2mm. She was unsure if it was a cyst or a follicle. Today confirmed that it is a follicle and it is now measuring 16.5mm. In order to proceed with treatment, the follicle needs to be 18mm. Bill and I went to the Towson office today for more tests and I waited all day, for what it seemed, for the nurse to call with results and the next step. 2pm and the nurse called! I was pacing through the house while the nurse talked to me and I couldn't focus! All I heard was, "You'll need to come back tomorrow for more blood work and another ultrasound." I thought on a Sunday?? What do you mean? I'm supposed to be on vacation!? I paused... The nurse asked if everything was okay. I mentioned that Bill and I have already delayed our vacation two days, but we're fine with having to come down another day and we'll take our vacation another time. The nurse immediately told me she'd call the on-call doctor and figure something out. After two hours of waiting for a call back, the nurse called and apologized for the wait. She said I was cleared and able to head on vacation! However, she taught me the "trigger shot" via the phone! Ohhh my gawd!!!!! Although I work in healthcare, I am not a nurse and neither is my husband. I bet ya'll were wishing you were a fly on the wall then! Ha, this is going to be great! Bill who is somewhat of a worry-wart and scared he may hurt me, and then me, who doesn't necessarily like shots to begin with.. This will go over well! My first shot is Sunday evening between 6pm to midnight. Then it's on like donkey kong until Tuesday morning! (wink, wink) Oh, and I failed to mention what else I'm doing. At Thursday's appointment, the doctor mentioned that I have a thin uterine lining. So to fix this issue, I was prescribed estrates. Estrates are pills that I shove up my vajj to help thicken the lining. Estrates are estrogen hormones. Now mind you, the pill is teal in color. The first day I did this, I went on my merry way to work, had to use the bathroom, pulled down my undies and my undies were TEAL! I freaked!! No one tells you or demonstrates how to insert them... I thought I was doing it wrong, but come to find out, it was fine. Our bodies know what to absorb! I must say, it's amazing how the human body works. 

With how frustrated and upset I have been the past week, I just have to stop and thank each and every one of you. From the messages, texts, phone calls, in person conversations, etc., you all have blown me away from the amount of support you all have for Bill and I. I'll be honest, there's times when I wonder if anyone cares... well, it's absolutely amazing to me the friendships I've created from this experience to the long lasting friendships Bill and I have had from decades ago. Bill and I would not be where we are today without YOU. You all are incredible people! We love you all! Just remember, there are billions of people in this world and although we all suffer from something, we are not alone! This is just my story, what's yours? If you are struggling with something and afraid to open up and talk to someone about it, don't be worried, people can't help you if they don't know! 


You're amazing. You're one of a kind. Love you guys!! 
~Emily

Overwhelmed with emotions.

Almost two months have passed since my last blog and I am still a roller coaster of emotions. Some people probably read this and think "Girl, you have major mental health issues." Ummm, you're wrong. It's called, I'm living with a fertility issue called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and I can't get pregnant at the drop of a hat. So deal with it... My story isn't as unique as it may sound. There's millions of women going through the same thing as my husband and I. It's also something that all these women deal with differently. Blogging is my outlet. I hope to one day look back at these blogs and thank the good Lord for diagnosing ME with PCOS, rather than a couple that 1) doesn't know how to cope with it and ends in divorce, 2) turns on the Lord and blames him, and 3) hurting themselves or someone else. Trust me, this is painful. Five years with no answers would drive anyone absolutely crazy! Can you imagine!? Take a step in my shoes for a second... Think of something you have now (ex: child(ren)). Imagine having to wait for that one particular thing for five years. Imagine wanting something so bad and not being able to know when or if you're ever going to get it. Imagine fighting so hard for something for FIVE YEARS, and still not getting it. You get my point? It's difficult. Now you have an idea what Bill and I are going through... It's hard to fathom. 

So the journey continues... I recently had blood work completed since being on Synthroid and Metformin for 2+ months. My nurse at Shady Grove e-mailed me with the results and they couldn’t be more pleased with my levels. My hormone levels, thyroid, and A1C are all within normal range. The next step was setting up an appointment to meet with the doctor. I set up the appointment for the following week and was told to come prepared to discuss treatment plans. Well that’s easier said than done. There are so many different treatments available, but there’s a lot of factors that play into treatment – cost being the primary factor. Dr. Esposito, who is following my case, couldn’t be more personable, helpful, and most of all, caring. Her level of kindness is unbelievable, especially for a doctor.

The outcome of appointment –

Although I have 57 follicles on my ovaries, I was given a high chance of conceiving. Since we were unsuccessful with Clomid, the next step is to try Femara along with hormone injections. Injections, you ask? Yes, like giving yourself a large needle injection. This is when the fun starts. Multiple trips to Shady Grove for ultrasounds and blood work begin my next "cycle." Then, get ready here’s the best part…. Timed intercourse. Helllllooo! Oh my…. It’s just like it sounds… The doctor’s office will call me when Bill and I are supposed to “do it.” Intimate?? Ha.

So that’s pretty much it! Trial and error.

I couldn’t be more overwhelmed with emotions. These long 5 years of trying to conceive feel like they are coming to an end. I’m not getting my hopes up, because I’ve been there, done that way too many times. I’m feeling a little more at ease with the whole situation since talking with an expert regarding my infertility. If you or someone you know is experiencing infertility, have them speak with a fertility specialist (Shady Grove is the best). Only reason I say this is, I feel I lost a lot of time going to my gynecologist. She didn’t care about my husband and my wishes or the amount of time we tried to conceive. She didn’t go out of her way to make the referral for me to go to Shady Grove. I took it upon myself to refer myself to Shady Grove, and I’m glad I did.

I’ll be sure to keep you all up to date with how everything is going. I just ask that you continue to support Bill and I through this journey. We are so happy that we have YOU in our lives and couldn’t ask for a better support system.

As Nicholas Sparks always says, "It's the possibility that keeps me going, not the guarantee." 

God bless and love,

Emily

TMI; Be prepared!

Just another day in paradise?? Ha, you must ask?? If you want my answer, sure, another day in paradise. I'm writing this blog based around the Rascal Flatts favorite, "My Wish." 

"I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow
And each road leads you where you want to go
And if you’re faced with the choice and you have to choose
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you
And if one door opens to another door closed
I hope you keep on walkin’ ‘til you find the window
If it’s cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile
But more than anything, more than anything

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to
I hope you know somebody loves you
And wants the same things too
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget
All the ones who love you
And the place you left
I hope you always forgive and you never regret
And you help somebody every chance you get
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake
And always give more than you take
But more than anything, yeah more than anything

This is my wish
I hope you know somebody loves you
May all your dreams stay big."

I wasn't going to copy and paste the entire lyrics here; however, I can relate to the whole song! 

I haven't been blogging as much. I've been sheltering my emotions because of the unknown and the changes I've recently gone through with my career. You know, I started a new job about a month ago and everyone sees that I'm married and the very first question they ask is, "How many kids do you have?" It's a very uncomfortable situation. Number one, I instantly feel heartbroken. And number two, I don't want my new colleagues to think, "Oh jeez, the new girl has infertility issues and will be missing work because of all these appointments," or "Oh jeez, don't talk about your kids around the new girl...blah blah blah." I've become so numb to what's going on... I was taking Metformin and Synthroid to get some levels balanced. Right before I started my new job, I suddenly stopped taking the medicine. Now that I've been off all of the medication for a month, I'm realizing that I'm not going to get anywhere if I don't take it. So I set a goal for myself, to start this week! With how down I am on myself, I have to look at the big picture. Worry about myself and my hubby - THAT'S IT, oh, and stay positive!! 

"My Wish" has been a song that I have always loved and the song that always sticks in my head for some unknown reason. Today, I realized there's a reason why it's on repeat. Replaying the song lyrics over and over, I feel as if this song comes from the "old me" - the Emily that was strong emotionally and able to fight her emotions. The Emily that was able to stay headstrong and fight her way to the finish line. Well, today is the day I set my fears, frustrations, and negativity aside and fight the infertility battle. 

Setting all that aside, I just want to say how incredibly proud I am of William. He works fulltime, some days more than 12+ hours, and has had tons of screen printing orders placed. He is working his tail off in order to support our dreams of having a family. With all that is going on lately, we have worked on our relationship. I've read that it's normal for couples with infertility issues to feel that sex is a job.. Yes, I said it, a job! We don't want to be a part of a statistic that says "Couples with infertility feel sex is a job," so we've made it fun. Yes, TMI, but remember this blog is to support other PCOS "Cysters" and ladies experiencing infertility for unknown reasons. For couples experiencing infertility, they get so focused on the timing. It's like "Sex on Demand." - Ok, I'm ovulating, let's do it.. It doesn't always work like that; plus, it's annoying and a turn-off. I'm not a piece of machinery... It's important to have the conversation with your hubby about what turns you both on, that way you can enjoy each other, rather than "Am I propped up high enough?," "Am I at the right angle?," "Hurry, put a pillow under my butt!" Oh my goodness, my mom is going to freak when she reads this... Sorry mother!

I almost wrote, "sorry if I offended anyone." But you know what, I don't care. You know why, because this is the true me. This is what infertility looks and feels like. If you never had or have to experience this, thank the good Lord up above. And while you are talking to him, pray for me and and everyone else who is dealing with infertility. It truly is an emotional roller coaster.

OK, that's enough for one day! I appreciate everyone's words of encouragement. 

Love always.

You are beautiful,

Emily