Lost?

You probably thought I got lost, right? Well life has been quite hectic. Since my last post, I got the results of my blood work, which confirmed PCOS. It also evidenced having thyroid issues. I started Synthroid 50mg, Metformin 1000mg, and Vit D 4000iu. I've never taken so many pills. Plus, there's so many instructions and side effects with these meds! Don't eat half hour to an hour before and after taking Synthroid. Oh, and don't forget the severe GI upset with Metformin! My, oh, my! I'm still trying to get used to everything. I have changed my diet to low carb. It's working because I've lost 10lbs! Wahooo!!! Other than getting the results and taking medications, nothing else has changed with the infertility issue...

On another note, I start a new career April 4th! I am so excited! Not only is the pay better, but I will be able to spend more time with my family. I will save myself about 2 hours a day with not having to be stuck in the car driving to and from work. I couldn't be more thrilled!! These last 2 weeks are going to be the longest. I am so thankful for those who are supportive of the change! Please continue to pray for me during the transition phase!! 

One last thing! I recently attended a Clayton Jennings event, which was absolutely amazing. He emphasized that God has a plan for each and every person, whether you believe or not. There are so many people that are just afraid - whether it's to talk to God, trust in God, believe in God, or to worship God; however, God is going to be there for you no matter your sins, no matter what your past is, and no matter your color, race, sex, or beliefs. There's a narrow path to Heaven, you should jump on and start believing! My relationship with God has grown tremendously over the past 6 months. It began with the struggle of infertility, the struggles of what I wanted in a career, and just life! One day, I just stopped what I was doing and talked to God. I began to see answers. I asked God, "Why me?," and I began to realize. It's an amazing thing! 

As always, you're a beautiful person, inside and out. Love life and love yourself!
~Emily

Who Am I?

Sometimes I wonder, who am I? Since being diagnosed with PCOS, I feel less like a woman. For those of you that don't have PCOS, you are probably wondering why. Well, here's my reason - 1) A woman should be able to reproduce naturally. That is our job as a woman, right?. Guess what, I can't. 2) My body is producing more testosterone than an average female which results in excessive amounts of body hair, excess body weight, and decreased fertility. 3) All the other symptoms that go along with PCOS, makes me feel like my husband should not have to put up with "someone" like me. Thank god he reassures me on a daily basis, that no matter what, he'll always love me. (Thanks babe!)

So do you see where I'm coming from?! It must be nice to ovulate normally and get pregnant within the next month. Women take that for granted! 

Guess what?! Thursday was "the time of the month" (AKA my friend's in town). Bummer... Insert sad face here, kind of feeling. I was instructed during our initial meeting with Shady Grove Fertility, to call and make appointment during day 1-3 of cycle to set up blood work and ultrasound. So Thursday I called, and was able to be seen Friday at 8am! Two vials of blood work and an ultrasound later, I was getting closer to more results and a plan. The ultrasound tech, doctor, and Bill were bedside providing comfort as they could tell my stress level was heightened. The tech was looking at the screen and said, "27" - meaning 27 follicles on the left ovary. The doctor said, "Wow!" I started freaking out and asked them, "What does that mean?" "What's normal?" They didn't say much other than "that's higher than normal." The right side has 30 follicles. I was informed that the normal amount of follicles is between 6 and 12. My results, again, reassure that PCOS is my diagnosis. 

Saturday Bill and I went for more blood work. For me they ordered 27 tests. For Bill there were 4. His was only 2 vials. Mine was 13 vials! I was most definitely not expecting that at all! THIRTEEN! Helloooooo, I almost passed out. The lady who drew my blood was so kind and so patient with me. I wish I knew her name so that she could be recognized for a job well done! 

Once we got something to eat and came home, I could not believe how exhausted I was. I guess I should have realized 13 vials of blood and having my period would take a lot out of me. I know when women are pregnant, they get blood work done and have lots of appointments, but what they don't realize is, couples who experience infertility go through a lot and sometimes don't have the joy of ever experiencing child birth or the fresh smell of a baby or the soft, smooth skin of a baby or any of the other joys of being a family of 3. Infertility treatments is taking a gamble. You pray and hope one day God grants you the ability to get pregnant and have a health pregnancy. Until then, I pray that my emotions and frustrations don't get the best of me and bring me down.

To be able to blog and put everything out in the public takes a lot of courage. I want to thank YOU for being sincere and supportive through this journey. What helps me the most is the messages, comments, and even in person support and words of encouragement - most of which are from people I barely know. Again, thank you; I couldn't do it without you!

My fortune cookie from the other day leads me to believe the struggle will soon end...

Boom!

Sorry, I've been behind the eight ball this week! Since starting the blog and being more public about my life, people are reaching out to provide support and discussing their struggle. I cannot thank you all enough for allowing me to be a part of your journey as well as my own. 

As much as infertility effects many people, there are a lot more people that are pregnant. So happy for them, don't get me wrong; however, with being associated with social media, I am seeing and hearing more teenagers becoming pregnant, whereas established couples work hard, are financially stable, and experience the struggle of infertility. Hellooooo, young teenage mom and dad... you can barely take care of yourself, you don't have a job, you don't know who the baby daddy is, you live with your parents, and you don't even know who you are.. why? Because you aren't an adult. I'm sure I will be getting a lot of hate from this blog, but it just doesn't make sense to me, nor does it help my struggle... I also don't understand women who abort their unborn baby. Do you realize you are being selfish? What gives you the right to kill an unborn child? Consider adoption! Catelynn and Tyler from Teen Mom should be your role model, if you are a teen pregnant. They set up an open-adoption, since they were becoming parents at a young age. It has brought them closer together as a couple, and gave life to a beautiful little girl who is thriving with her adoptive parents and siblings. 

Earlier this week while at work, I was looking up a physician's NPI on the internet and BOOM!...

Was the ad necessary!?!? I kind of deflated when I saw this. I feel that wherever I go, the questions of pregnancy follow me. You would think after so many years, I would be over the feeling of being "deflated." Does this stuff happen to anyone else?

There are so many thoughts that go through my mind. I just can't help to think about anything and everything... When you are a child, every little girl dreams of the perfect little family. When you become a teenager and begin to have sex, you try to take all precautions to prevent pregnancy. Did I ever think I would be in the position I am now, when I was younger? Heavens no! So here I am, 26 years old, married for almost 4.5 years, childless... Thank goodness my husband is very supportive and remains positive by reassuring me that one day, we will be blessed with the perfect little family! God bless him! 

I continue to pray and talk to God about "the plan," hoping that he soon blesses me with a healthy pregnancy. I am learning to live without understanding and learning to trust God through this journey. It's hard to come to terms with it, but God has a plan for everyone.

You're probably wondering what the next step in my journey is. Well, I have to wait, like usual, to get my next period. Then I will make a trip to Shady Grove for an ultrasound and bloodwork, and get a prescription for Metformin and Femera; pending the results of the testing. 

As Roman Atwood says, "Stick to a positive lifestyle. I want you to know everyone is struggling and you are not alone. We are all fighting our own battles. Everyone you look at has their own problems and could be 10 times bigger than yours. Don't let anyone bring you down. You are one of a kind. Smile more." I must say, Roman Atwood is my inspiration. Be sure to check out his daily vlogs. My husband and I watch the vlogs daily and live vicariously through Roman's family. 

Love you all.

-Emily

Survival Kit.

New parents have a "survival kit," so why shouldn't couples experiencing infertility have their own "survival kit?" As part of setting goals for myself for overcoming the struggle of getting pregnant, I decided to put together a survival kit for my husband and I. 

Pamper Yourself
First of all, pamper yourself! One thing I put on the back burner, because of working in the helping profession, I always think of putting others first. Setting time aside to go for a manicure is just enough "me time."

Date Night
With the diagnosis of PCOS, I tend to blame myself for not getting pregnant. I feel terrible that my husband is "stuck" with a woman who can't conceive normally. So to be able to give back to him, we will have more date nights - whether it's grabbing a bite to eat, Sweet Frog, a picnic, or going for a walk; it's important to have these special moments together. It's moments like these when I fall back in love with my husband! Yes, we spend day in and day out with just each other, besides working hours, but I truly enjoy spending quality time one-on-one. 

God
As angry as I get at God because I question, why me, I always have to remember that he is the one that gives me strength to get through the days and the motivation to stay positive. So I have added the bible to my survival kit. If you still haven't accepted Christ into your life (your loss), look into self-help books for guidance. 

Tissues
For those of you not experiencing infertility, you may think I'm crazy, but better be damned if I'm not throwing in a box of tissues. My emotions are a roller coaster. Some days are better than others, but let's be real, the thought of not getting pregnant crosses my mind more often than it should. There's many nights I fall asleep with tears in my eyes.

Getaways 
My husband and I bought our house several years ago with the anticipation of raising a family in this house. When we painted the entire house, we made sure to paint the "nursery" the color we wanted for when we had children. Well, the walls are painted, but minus the babe. I must say, it is difficult to come home each day, 4 years later, to just my husband and me. The routine gets old, we feel like roommates some days, and we just forget to love each other. Again, sounds crazy, but true. In order to change up the boring weekends, we are going to venture out and getaway - go boating, spend time at the beach, do things we love to do!

I look forward to adding new things to my survival kit and can't wait to share with you our experiences! Just remember, whether my blogging helps 100 people or 1 person, my journey is different from yours and it has taken a lot for me to open up to each of you.

Remember, stay positive. Love you all!

Blinded.

Since the past few years have been a bust with infertility, I am setting new goals for myself. I'll be the first to admit that I let myself go. Unfortunately though, the signs and symptoms of PCOS are my barriers - anxiety, weight gain, acne, irregular menstrual cycles and the lovely "excess hair growth"; all of which I have. Part of me is frustrated and wants to break down and cry, which I have done a lot of recently, but I know crying isn't getting me anywhere. Yes, I know, it's a normal emotion to feel. I just feel that getting emotional is just setting me back. It's time to have a new outlook and turn the negatives into positives. Have you ever let something get to you and bother you for days? Don't fool yourself, you know there's been a time - whether it's over money, a relationship, infertility, a job, school, etc. Even the feeling of being overwhelmed. It's times like these when your own psycho-social well-being needs to accept the emotions and have a plan to be able to manage your emotions the next time you become upset or when something bothers you.

Anxiety is something I struggle with the most. I have had anxiety probably since I was in high school. I would get so anxious over nothing to the point I would break out in a sweat and think I was going to pass out. I have learned to overcome some of the anxiety by doing the following:

• Exercise
• Take deep breaths
• Get a good nights rest
• Challenge the "What if" phrase
• Remain positive
• Stop drinking caffeinated drinks
• Talk out my feelings with someone who cares 

Ok, so what about the other symptoms of PCOS? Weight gain. For women, weight gain is such a self-esteem buster. Shopping for clothes has been the absolute worst. Thank god for leggings, boots, and big baggy shirts. Cute, right? Eating healthy is hard. I love to snack! Lately, I have altered my diet and cut out snacking. It has been the most difficult thing to do, but what I've learned is to stay busy. I don't allow myself the time to open the fridge or go to the pantry to "browse" because I'm bored. 

Next - Acne. As a teenager, acne is expected. As an adult, acne is not welcomed any longer. The phase in my life to get acne should have passed, but unfortunately it missed the memo. I have been going to a skin care clinic for laser hair removal for the excess hair growth that comes with PCOS, and they introduced me to a green tea fortified cleanser. It has done wonders to my face and prevented most pimples. I highly recommend it!

Lastly, irregular menstrual periods. I have had irregular periods since the time I got my period. Not very fun, considering you never know when it is going to pop up. Before I got married, I had taken a low dose birth control pill to help regulate my menses, which definitely helped with regulation and cramping. Now, however, I'm back to square one. Terrible cramps and irregular monthly cycles. My GYN started me on Clomid, which helped with ovulation. I took the Clear Blue smiley ovulation tests through the 3 rounds of Clomid and got smiley faces each time.. Still no baby. Now that I've been diagnosed with PCOS, my doctor thinks the Clomid dose wasn't strong enough. I'm excited to start more rounds of testing and a new fertility drug. 

I know PCOS has other symptoms, but the ones I listed above, just happen to be the symptoms that I am experiencing. Do you have any techniques that help you?

2016 is going to be the year to focus on myself, my attitude, new goals, and most importantly my health. I am a very goal oriented person. Over the next few days, I'm going to set some goals for myself and for my marriage. Any ideas?

Here's my advice to you. Don't be blinded of your own emotions, your loved one's emotions, or even a stranger's emotions. Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily routine that we don't get to focus on the people that need us the most, including ourselves. Take 15 minutes out of your daily routine to meditate, read the Bible, pray, or just ask your spouse how their day went. You never know what tomorrow may bring. Focus on today!

Love you all!

Don't Give Up.

Let me start out by saying, thank you! Granted, I only started this blog two days ago, but I am so grateful for everyone who views my blog. Why you might ask? Because you all are supporting me and everyone who has the same experience, whether you think you are or not. I am amazed at the amount of private messages I have received from ladies informing me of having the same diagnosis. It is helping me to accept the diagnosis and the struggle even more. 

Is 2016 the year? Maybe... I thought 2015 was, and 2014, and 2013, and 2012... I am not ready to accept "giving up." Everyone just tells me to stop worrying and to not think about trying to get pregnant. WHAT?! Who says that to someone whose mind is set on having the perfect little family? Let me just tell you, it's not that easy! Nor do I wish it was easy. As a little girl carrying around a baby doll, I always wished of having a child. It was one of the first conversations Bill and I had when we started dating. Having a child is so important to me, so before you start asking questions, stop, it's not a conversation you want to have with just anyone, even if you think you really know the person. Just so you know, I am happy for any woman who is pregnant. I'm okay with hearing your wonderful news. I just hope and pray that some day I will achieve the same. 

Infertility effects 1 in 7 couples. The most common cause of infertility is polycystic ovarian syndrome. I regret waiting over 4 years to meet with an infertility doctor, but I am also very thankful for physicians who specialize in infertility as they are the experts to provide a plan for us. I encourage every woman to have regular gynecology appointments and ask questions!  

So I've received the paperwork from the infertility nurse, status post the consultation from the doctor. It's all becoming so surreal. And the testing begins... for Bill and I! He's thrilled, let me tell you! At least his is just blood work since he's already been through the traumatic part of his testing, months ago. He's such a great support system through this entire process. I've read so many blogs by women going through the same, and have read that their spouse is not supportive. Ladies, if your spouse is not supportive of this process, stop! You can't go through this without the person you need the most. This obviously isn't something to do alone. 

Words of wisdom...

Jumping In!

Nice of you to come back! I decided to name the blog, "The Space Between." Why you might ask? I feel it's appropriate because of the unknown. I remember an old friend who always said my husband and my life was perfect - we had the perfect jobs, the best relationship and got to do a lot of fun stuff whenever we wanted. Well, I hate to break the news to you, but our life is not perfect by any means. We have daily struggles! No one ever knows what their life will be, what journey they decide to take in life, or even what barriers/hardships are thrown their way. For me, each day is a new day and I'll take whatever God throws me. I grew up a church girl going to Sunday School and when I became a teenager, I dreaded church... like most of you I'm sure. Now looking back, I regret not going as frequently. I'm thankful that in today's world with the technology we have, I can access church services via the web - awesome, by the way! With having this access, I have been able to become closer to God through prayer.

I recently discovered evangelist, Clayton Jennings. Talk about an inspiration! Clayton has helped me through the struggle of infertility through his love for Jesus Christ. I used to feel so alone, even when I'm surrounded by people who love me, but because I have opened up my life to Christ, I no longer struggle with feeling alone. I feel that with the relationship I now have with Christ, Bill and I are able to pass over the fear of infertility into God's hands. 

Let me ask you.. Where do you stand with Jesus Christ? Are you struggling with something that you feel you can't discuss with someone else? Do you feel alone? Open your mind and heart and let him in. It won't hurt! Remember, Jesus Christ died for you. 

Okay, enough of my preaching. I just like to #telltheworld! 

I'm excited to "jump in" and fill the space between!